Monday, July 9, 2012


The other night I had a dream. A stage was set for me. I was going to perform, after a long time. I was under the belief that I had faded into oblivion as a blogger, and this belief was about to change. In my last post, I had said that I will get back to blogging regularly. That last post was in January. We are in July.

But the dream turned into a nightmare. I confidently stepped up on the blogging stage and took a deep breath reminiscing the lost days of my glory. I took to the mike and yelled, “Yo Bloggers!”.

What followed next was a herd of stones being pelted at me by the crowd. One third of the audience was mad at me for promising to get regular and not keeping up. One third consisted of the new bloggers on the block, who knew squat about who the fat weirdo on stage was. And the remaining one third didn’t care.

I did notice that a few stone throwers were such that their own blogs had become more deserted that their Orkut Scrapbooks, at which I started catching those stones and throwing back at them.

So this time I won’t commit the stupidity of announcing that I am back. Let it be a mystery. Is this a blue moon appearance? Is he finally back for good? Will I finally get to sleep with him? I leave all my blog buddies to ponder upon these questions. (I would prefer bloggers of only the feminine gender to ponder upon the last one).

This is not exactly a blog-post blog-post. Magna Publications, the firm that churns out magazines like Stardust, Society, Savvy, Health, etc. has recently launched Mandate Magazine in India. And I got the opportunity to get contribute an article to them. (When you Google, please type ‘Mandate Magazine India’. Searching only for ‘Mandate Magazine’ would make you judge my character.)
So here is the article I wrote for Mandate.

‘Sex life of Politicians.’ What image do these four words bring to your mind? A babu clad in white kurta pyjama and Nehru cap, in a lavish private room of a luxury hotel, along with a high profile escort, right? This is the image that Madhur Bhandarkar and RGV movies have painted of the secret lives of our MPs and MLAs. So if this is the case, then why would they feel the need to watch porn? And that too in the midst of a parliamentary assembly!

For those living in a cave, three BJP ministers were recently caught enjoying pornography on a cell phone, in the Karnataka parliament, while the assembly was in session. As a consequence, these three ministers were asked to voluntarily quit their posts. Moreover, there has been an outrage over this incident from right activists, right wing Hindu groups, and the ruling Congress party. Thankfully, all these ministers had both their hands visible when their flimsy act was being recorded by the media from above, which saved them further embarrassment.
Now before we dissect this matter further, let’s enjoy the ironies associated with this case.

1) The assembly in which these ministers were caught was in the midst of a heated discussion about the drought situation in the state, as these ministers sat back like the back benchers in a boring lecture, trying to find out solutions for their own physical droughts.
2) The prime musketeer in this trio, on whose phone the clip was being played, is Laxman Savadi, the Karnataka Minister for Cooperation. And the clip being watched was of a woman being ‘cooperatively’ gang-raped by a few men.
3) Another culprit was C. C. Patil, the Minister for Women and Child Welfare, who had recently suggested that women should dress modestly if they don’t want to be harassed.
4) This incident happened in Karnataka, the same state where in a pub a few goons of Sri Ram Sena had attacked and manhandled women, because they were culturally misbehaving.
5) This irony is unrelated, but worth sharing. The Indian law on pornography and obscenity was passed in 1969.

But the mother of all ironies was when an Indonesian MP belonging to an Islamic party that campaigns for an anti-pornography legislation was caught watching porn in parliament. Well at least in this case we can give him the benefit of doubt that he was trying to research his subject matter.

Watching porn at workplace is not a new phenomenon for Indians. Porn is rampantly downloaded, exchanged and watched in offices and colleges. To verify this, ask any guy out of the blue to lend his pen drive to you, and what follows is a series of hesitations and excuses, unless of course he has deleted the porn. Porn is as easily accessible in India as bottled water, not just to sleazy politicos but to children and adults alike. Google trends show that the search volume for the word ‘porn’ has doubled in India between 2010 and 2012. Seven Indian cities are amongst the top ten in the world on porn search, and a quarter of the mobile users in India want adult content on their 3G enabled phones.

And it is for this very reason I believe that we should not be too harsh in judging these three. We are being the biggest hypocrites when we judge these ministers to be hypocrites. No, I am not supporting their act. And nor am I a BJP spokesperson or supporter. What they did was unethical and immoral, and they being made to resign was indeed the apt punishment. However, what they did was something most of us do in our daily lives. They were just unfortunate to be caught.

If we look at this whole incident as three people caught watching porn at their workplace rather than three ministers caught watching porn in the parliament, then it tones down the bizarreness of the issue, while maintaining the seriousness. We hear about many such incidences where employees are given warnings or pink slips if caught watching “ashleel” content in the office. But as a famous quote from a movie goes, ‘With great power, comes great responsibility’, and with great responsibility comes the fact that even your private nose digging in the washroom, if caught on tape, would be the headlines for the coming day. I’m sure that at right now, the only thing these ministers would be thinking about is, ‘Main karu toh saala, character dheela hai!’

I feel that at this very moment, every person reading this should pause that ‘My Friends Hot Mom’ clip on his laptop for a while and sit and think whether it is right to judge with such scrutiny these three ministers for getting caught watching porn? Or are we being unnecessarily harsh on them? Do that while I go and check out the latest Naughty America flick a colleague gave me in office today.

So like a typical Indian politician, I shall now promise that I will be regular on my blog again. And once I receive all your comments and likes for this post, I shall again retreat into hibernation.
*Evil Mandark Laughter*


  1. I have not read this post. Will do it now.

    Have a question. Is this you? Or your bhoot.


  2. Looks like I am a member of the first 'one-third' of your audience :D

    I am missing that oh-god-i-fell-down-laughing kinda humour in this post..and believe me, every post of yours does exactly that.

    Waiting for the next one.

  3. Hahah you finally blogged :D ..
    Good job Empty Vessel :P .. And you wrote on this, not bad!

    Hope to see you more frequent :D

  4. Look who's back. :-|
    While, the mango people used to wait for your posts eagerly, you were busy pulling off a Mr. India stint.
    Let's hope, you get back to blogging for the greater good.
    And, I found 5th point to be the highlight of the post. :D

  5. Wow it really has been a while hasn't it? This post has managed to really destroy any preconceptions I had on the Indian people, so thank you for that. It really seems a bit harsh to force them to retire really. For watching porn at least. Make them resign because they're clearly not interested in, or cut out for, the job if they'd rather watch porn than be involved. Still, people always hold their leaders to higher standards and I don't mind that too much. I just don't think any of them can actually live up to those expectations.

  6. saaaala..finally after i would have pelted a gazillion coconuts on your head you decided to write here..
    aaaaaanyyywaaaays.. write article and nice..
    abi show off karega naa..
    phir bhi...good one..
    chal abi jyada fittoos mat kha..keep blogging regularly..

    cheers cheers

  7. This is a very valuable point there. I mean, why do we Indians make a big deal about porn. If people watched enough porn , there would be less pent up frustration running loose on the streets.

    And secondly welcome back. Let writing not be for your audience but for yourself.

  8. About time!!! And what a comeback! Now the 'mudda'.... the reason why this incident is hyped so much is that we are so bloody frustrated with all the damn @#$%@!! taxes we've just paid, and now we see that it has indeed, been put to good use! Hipocracy, I doubt, has anything to do with this. But having said that, good to see the sarcastic streak still causes ROFLs!!

  9. A post without poop jokes?! *Bollywood-worthy nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii*

    Good to know you're back. But even though it was an article on porn, I missed those dirty jokes which had Kalpak written all over them, you know? Now be a good bacha and come often please. Need a good laugh ji!

  10. Baba re! So much drama. We know what happened the last time you made a promise to be regular. so GO! and come back whenever you can. And meanwhile us mango people will wait for His Highness, The King of Poop.

  11. Kya baat hain ji! Itne ashleen topic itne shaaleenta se handled :-)

    I have yet to see your serious side, on the written posts, it seems...although this was a good preview of it.

    And I was not pelting you with stones Kalps, I was crooning "Koi pathar se na maaro..." till the stones began to be headed in my direction. Sigh, such sacrifice for thou! :-)

  12. @ VISHA: Thank you so much for stopping by to read. And well, i myself hope its me and not the bhoot. and ya i know this wasnt actually funny funny. i had to write within the limitations of the briefing i was given by d ed. :-)

    @ Confused Soul: Thank you...ummm...Shreya, is it? :-D

    @ Paanipuri - Drama mat kar. Jaa kapde spin kar jaa.

    @ Mark - Your comment made me feel glad that i was able to convey what i wanted to. thanks man! :)

    @ Meoww - Yaaaaaaawwn. Hmmmmm.

    @ Kshipra - I agree wid ur second point. Writing shud be for self. But not with the first. More porn means more frustration. More sex means less frustration.

    @ Nirvana - Heyy. How're you? And its okay yaar. we shud cut these ppl some slack. nai? :)

    @ Loony - Abbe mera chhod, u better get regular. Saaaaaala.

    @ Nihareekaa - I hope im able to stick around now yaar. even i miss blogging. will try to. pakki baat.

    @ Su - Oh Bull Shit. i saw you. you had put up a stall and were selling the damn stones. huh. ;)

  13. You Have Been Tagged::

  14. I cannot believe you had a come-back when I had a break! Hmm reading this post now and cursing you where the hell have you gone off after this post :P


  15. IOOOO...Wat all I expected to read after seeing the title. some kickass porno jokes..
    great post man!

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