Sunday, December 11, 2011

HOW TO WRITE A CRAP POST


Remember what they say in those Whisper ads? ‘All those five days of the month aren’t the same. Sometimes the flow is less, sometimes more’. Well, that is exactly what I’m going through as I type this post. The flow of my creative juices is at its worst at the moment, and I’m completely blank on what to write about. Hence, I started writing randomly, letting my brain and my fingers do the work, while my heart and I visit the Victoria’s Secret party.

Talking about periods, did Justin Bieber finally get them?

The reason why I so badly want to write something is that it’s a Sunday morning, and I’m sitting alone in my home in Baroda. (For the unawares, I was born, kicked in the crotch, and brought up in Bombay. I recently moved to Baroda. I stay with my Uncle and Aunt here, but we have our own second house in Baroda too, where I come every weekend. Life seems to be a big fan of ironies, because back in Bombay when I had girlfriends, I had no empty apartment. And now when I have a fully furnished house wholly to myself, all I have to enjoy it with is my left hand. My left hand to operate my laptop, you pervert. My right hand is the one that grabs and strokes. Grabs and strokes my right knee, I got hurt there.) And when I’m alone in the house, I HAVE to write. I would find the time spent alone to be utterly useless if I don’t write something. And it’s frustrating when during such times I don’t get ideas, because it is more or less during such times itself that I generally do.

I normally get my best ideas when I’m in the shower, but Sundays are generally my ‘no-bath’ days. This is because Sunday is God’s day, and God meant us to be like this. He gave us water to quench our thirst, not to bath with. He made it so that the living beings would drink it, and not pour it on their bodies. I’m sure God must have freaked out when he saw humans pouring water on their bodies for the first time.

“It is meant to be drunk, you fucking idiot!” he must have yelled from the sky.

But I guess I will take a bath today, because I love the Jaguar shower here. Every single drop feels like it’s wrapped in bubble paper. Maybe I should get a big sheet of bubble wrap paper. That will keep me busy the whole day.

So yeah, I have to write. And I’m not a talented writer to be able to narrate my life’s incidences in the form of boring philosophy. Nor am I Robert Frost, one of the smartest poets in history. Smartest, because he made a legendary poem out of a mugging incident. Here’s what actually happened with him –

Two Roads Diverged in the woods and I –
I took the one less travelled by,
And that is where I got robbed.

The bugger got mugged in the secluded street. But what he did of it? He made one of modern time’s best poetry.

After he learnt his lesson, he decided never to take halts in a journey, because he became super paranoid of getting mugged again. Which is why he wrote –

But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.

See. Smart!

I’m a strong believer of one thing. Whatever happens happens for a reason. Every smallest occurrence has a reason behind it. From a pin falling from your hand, to a plane crash, to Rakhi Sawant growing boobs again, it all has a reason. The universe is constantly conspiring, for every living being, and all events are related, unknown to the naked eye. I know I sound like the illegitimate child of Paulo Coelho and the writers of How I Met Your Mother, but I do believe strongly in this.

And off late, the universe is giving me certain signals, or so I believe. As I had mentioned in one of my blog posts, I’m in the Ted Mosby phase of my life, looking out for my ‘the one’. And I have a certain checklist of qualities which I want in my girl. Everyone does. My checklist (I know you care an anorexic model’s ass about it) is as follows:

1) She should be fun. So far, my most favourite company is myself. She should be so much fun, that I should love being with her more than I love being with myself.

2) She should be crazy about F.R.I.E.N.D.S, just like I am. I really wish to have a Friends Marathon with my girl someday.

3) She should be interesting. And interested in stuff. General Knowledge and Current Affairs stuff. When I out of the blue start discussing the Mayan civilization, she should NOT think I’m a geek. I will slap her.

4) As far as possible, I wouldn’t prefer a corporate chick.

5) She should be my best friend. I should be able to openly check out girls while being with her, and she should be a sport about it. Rather, in spite of being my girl, she should point out hot chicks for me.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai released when I was very young. I guess I was in fourth or fifth standard. In the movie, when Archana Puran Singh asks her students ‘Pyaar Kya Hai? What is love?’ I said to myself ‘What chutiyapa is this?! Which teacher asks such questions?’.

And then when she asks Shahrukh to answer, my ears stood up a little, like a dog. It was a Karan Johar movie, with Shahrukh and Kajol, who were like the ‘the’ pair back then. So I got very hopeful about the definition of love that was about to come. But then the bozo said ‘Pyaar Dosti Hai!’.

‘My ass,’ I said.

I obviously expected something more meaningful and complicated.

But today, I finally realize that there couldn’t be a better definition of love than that. Love is friendship. If you two aren’t the best of friends, the relationship won’t last.

I know many girls would oppose me on this (guys care a fuck), but believe it or not, love fades. No matter how much ever you love someone, it does evaporate over time. What lasts, and makes the relationship last, is friendship.

Chandler and Monica are my most ideal couple ever; hence I would give their example here. They were the best of friends before they fell in love. If you notice, they are madly in love and all over each other only in season 5 and 6, and somewhat 7. What continues after that between them is their best friendship. Of course, love is there. I’m not saying it goes away completely. I’m just saying the percentage contribution of love in the relationship falls.
So yeah, she should be my best friend

6) She should never want to change her beliefs and thinking according to what the society thinks is right. She should be herself, always.

7) She should be a big time foodie. I don’t mind being with a fat girl. I want someone who loves food as much as I do.

8) She should be a reader. ‘Books? Ewww! I hate books. How can you read a whole book?’. ONE TIGHT SLAP!

9) Her movie tastes should be such that I could let her talk to other people in my absence. ‘Hey you saw Bodyguard? What awesome movie na?’. ONE TIGHT SLAP!

10) Her English should not make me want to shoot her and then hang myself. I am a grammar-cum-pronunciation freak. If she talks like ‘Arre I did it like that only’, her life will be shortened.

11) Mom dad should like her.

See. So simple. If anyone of you (girls) feels you fit in all the above mentioned criteria, please contact me on kalpak24@yahoo.co.in, with your nude pic. I shall revert soon. If I don’t, keep checking popular porn sites. Surprise! :P  (Isn’t the :P smiley a life saver? So many friendships would have broken had it not been for ‘:P’. Think of the reaction you will receive when you comment on someone’s FB pic as ‘Wow, you look hot! :P’ as opposed to ‘Wow, you look hot!’ )

Anyway. So the signal that I believe the universe is off late giving me is that I’m going to end up with someone who maybe won’t fit in all the points mentioned above, yet I would find her perfect.

Following are the signals that I received over the past two days:
1) An office colleague is getting married. She said ‘the guy has all the qualities that I never wanted in my guy; still I love him and I’m getting married to him!’

2) I was discussing How I Met Your Mother. I casually said that the show would conclude with Ted finding someone not at all perfect as per him, yet he would love her.

3) This post by Upasana.

Are these actual signals? Or am I being stupid? I don’t know.

So kids, this is how you write a crap post, that makes no sense and has no head or tail whatsoever!

P.S. After months and months of caring a fuck about it, I finally joined twitter. (https://twitter.com/#!/LetThereBeFood) I must say, twitter badly needs some notification type thing like Facebook.

P.P.S.: Saw Puss in Boots. Few laughter moments. But a good watch nonetheless. I was really waiting for a Shrek or Donkey cameo, but there was none.

38 comments:

  1. I love your checklist!!!!! And that :P part!!! Bloody brilliant post!

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  2. what a way to start the post..
    ewwww..and saaaala..pervertonn ka baap hai tu :P:P:P

    and yawwwwwwnnnn..i have heard this list like a zillion times from you now :P:P:P

    chal phir bhi koi ni..
    i hope ise padke koi toh tere taras khayegi..
    *hopefully*

    hehehee..nice post rey..
    crappy phase mae bhi tu aisa likhta hai..?!!
    sahiiiii

    *hugs*

    cheers !!

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  3. Your checklist is rather sane.Mine had crazy expectations.Yash Chopra movies and the famous Rom-Coms made my expectations sky high.Every check list turns out to be useless in the end though.You can hope all you want then you end up with someone who is not exactly like the person you dreamt of but he/she fits seamlessly in every dream you see together!! I am totally in love and this is totally true for me!! :-) :-)

    P.s : Thank you for the mention! :-)

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  4. interesting checklist.. isme se if you get, "friend" and "good english" then be content :P see the smiley saved me!
    Totally true about falling in love with someone who doesnt fit the list.. The same thing happened to me ..opposites attract thingy ..

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  5. Interesting. Hmmm.... This was a crappy post? Not really...or may be... Ah! I like this one. You will find the one! :D :D

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  6. This is actually amazingly good. I don't think you're looking for too much in a girl, but it is true that you typically find one who isn't everything you expected. At the least though they should be your friend, and share common interests.

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  7. One MARATHON of a post I say.
    UGH, no bath day? As in no bath at all the whole day? Disgusting, you are:P

    Yes, you took a classic poem and made fun of it. May lighting burn your hair just a little bit:D

    Your checklist:
    1)Fun is relative. What might be fun to me might be crap to you. Specify.
    2)WAYY TO GO!:) Good one.
    3) Slap a woman who's from this generation and she'll walk out on you:P
    4) Why?
    5)Totally agree. And the example is perfect. I believe that they are a couple ALL couples should aspire to be more like.
    Remember this "...we try hard. Some days we try extra hard at making this work...." I have LOVED it ever since I watched that episode.
    6)Will you follow through even if what she believes in is the opposite of what you do?
    7)I'll bow to you just for that.
    8) ONE MORE FROM ME AS WELL. "I use book as pillows" - Bloody blue murder.
    9)Hee hee:P Good luck with that.
    10) I agree but what good will it do if she doesn't know how to boil water?
    11) :)

    You and your signs. It'll happen when it happens. Unless your parents are trying to make it happen. So let it be.

    And good luck with getting that nude photo:P

    Please for GOD's sake don't become Ted Mosby. He bores the crap out of people these days.

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  8. hehehehehehe...beta ur creative funny juices are flowing just fine :D
    and U can find a lot of awesome girls coming in that category because every girl feels that she fits the bill :D. We are dumb :P
    And about the no bath day... Hi 5!!! I was gonna follow that but my mother forced me to take the damned bath...
    FAT PEOPLE ROCK!! I am awesome!!!

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  9. and yes friendship leads to love and novelty of love does wear off..but u get addicted to that person's presence and love being with them..friendship is the reason.

    CHANDLER MONICA are my idols!

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  10. 'Yawn' make a more radical list man, atleast one where you can fantasize about. what if she could play like 7 instruments including the Oboe.had blu hair etc etc.

    (blue hair is hot btw.check this link out :- http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltjb65uSdB1r3bf7zo1_500.jpg

    :P

    Oh yeah, ':p' is really a life saver isnt it?

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  11. If I weren't married, I would have been composing an email right now.

    :-)

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  12. ONE TIGHT SLAP....YET ANOTHER ONE...AND with a very highly pronounced southie accent...YET ANOTHER REALLY REALLY TIGHT SLAP.... You really think anybody, even that attention seeking Veena Mallik, will stay after those SLAPs you are giving away like the Big bazaar ka one plus 2 free offer? The universe is giving you a sign Kallu, sure, STOP with the 60's ka male atyachar, warna puri zindagi 'apna haat jaganath karte' reh jaoge tum!!!

    Since we talk so much, I've hardly anything to comment anymore :(...You already know how I feel about Chan and Mon, though you being as adorable as Chan might take another janam if you ask me :P. And dude for a girl to be funnier than you, meet point 3,4, 6 and yet somehow satisfy point 11...don't you think too much ho gaya? Aisa sample piece tho Brahma ji ko requirements(MS WORD document) mein likh ke proposal bhej na padega na beta? Aise hi thodi mil jayigi...BTW jo milegi na uska empty vessel hopefully tumse bada ho ;).

    Ads: Such a small comment...tch tch...I'm disappointed hudugi ;)

    P.S: Kallu shouldn't point 11 be 'Mom, Dad should like her'?

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  13. Firstly girlfriends in Bombay-I so sympathise:-)
    And woh left hand and right hand story was such a classic that it should be a mini post in itself and I would raise mine to it-thumb that is to “like”:-)

    Aur apne lete lete tassali nahi hue the ki pehle God ji ke le and phir bechare Robert uncle ki bhi?
    And Rakshi Sawant lost her boobs? When? How? Who found them?(and this does not qualify as general awareness so please don’t cross check that and throw me of the list!)

    And all your pointers clearly indicated me-but then I would not create too much shor about it lest your chances of getting laid post a post get postponed!

    You made me imagine yourself as a little boy in pants waiting ti hear Shahrukh define love-and yes, love is companionship...if you love spending time with a person, you’d love him forever(or at least as long as you don’t find another companion)

    So stop the ONE TIGHT SLAP...they became a one too many and welcome to twitter-I hated it when started but slowly getting the hang of it and you should add to the spice now:-)

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  14. phew!the amount of energy I use up in writing comments here-I could create more fucking blogposts for my own page instead!

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  15. Bud, you are the only human I know who can write about periods, rakhi sawant, HIMYM and finding your 'THE ONE' in the same post while making some sense.

    If this was an indication that your creative juices are not flowing, I can only imagine what to expect when you are in full form.

    And along expected lines, there was atleast one reference of toilet/washroom/shower.

    Good one bud. Had a whale of a time reading it. My prayers and wishes; that you find your 'ONE' soon.

    Cheers :)

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  16. Noooooo you joined twitter. You bitch!
    Go join google+ now ( follow mw btw)

    You write expressively
    talk about periods
    and now you have this list to find "the one"
    If you had not talked about poop ocassionally, i would hav thought you were a girl. Some kalpaky hiding behind this facebook image of a handsome man :p

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  17. I would've screamed to you "BE MY MAN"(2)..Sigh I got married some time back to somebody who fits in only 5,7,10 and 11...

    Love fades over time but friendship makes sense...Trust me you are absolutely right there.I met my husband when I was eight,fell in love with him when I eighteen and fell out of love some time later and then got married to him because he bears with me better than any one else does....

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  18. DIGS..sighhh..i know i know..
    dont be my love..
    m just plain simple annoyed that this moron has not yet repiled to my comment in his previous post..
    REASON..KP ko pakta hai apparently
    that be why i yam taking the revenge in this post u
    grrrrrrrrrrrr

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  19. Bathing is highly-overrated. I agree. Such a waste of water no? :P
    And you can wish all you want, buddy. You might end up with 11 differnt girls with one quality each. Actually, that's not so bad, is it? ;)

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  20. Damn, what a checklist!

    ''I finally realize that there couldn’t be a better definition of love than that. Love is friendship. If you two aren’t the best of friends, the relationship won’t last.''

    You clicked it! You're right, love fades if there's no friendship!

    Goodluck in ''checking'' your list man :)

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  21. Lovely interpretation of the bathing concept :P!!! Something I can go around and tell my parents now :D!!! And my oh my what a check list!!
    Friendship definitely overtakes love, when a long time relationship is concerned!

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  22. Damn! hat checklist is so mine. Dude, in case you happen to find an extra or two matching that list, be kind enough to forward them (rather their IDs and details) to me :P Ohh and I am obsessed with :P you see...use them in almost evry sentence of FB chat. And use use you left hand? I use my right (for writing one handedly of course :P)

    Now just do me a favor and give....no, not me but this link a finger fuck:
    Pro Pulse

    And where's tha Follow button? Guess it needs some finger-fuck too :D

    ReplyDelete
  23. 'Talking about periods, did Justin Bieber finally get them?'...lmao of a line...
    you have very high expectations for your girl but going by your popularity in the blogosphere,u might just get 'the one'.you write so vividly I could even feel the reverberations of your 'tight' slaps on some poor dumb chick.
    And as for the signs I think you get what you're looking for..so keep looking..and keep writing more crap posts like these..:)

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  24. Though this is a post that has no head or tail whatsoever, you gave it what matters the most :P (I am talking about your humor, in case your mind goes wandering elsewhere)

    And Point #5 Pyaar Dosti hai... I so agree with it.. What made you think girls will oppose it? Frankly, my relationship has faced it... Love, its aftermath.. everything.. and I have come to realize after a certain time, something else contributes to the relation more than love. Call it trust, call it friendship, call it commitment. ... It might have a million names out of which friendship would surely be one...

    BTW, your list is quite simple.You shouldn't be having much difficulty in finding "The One" for you..So don't fall for the crappy signals that universe sends you.. Go on and find your one :P :)

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  25. "Talking about periods, did Justin Bieber finally get them?" - Haha, good one.
    "Rather, in spite of being my girl, she should point out hot chicks for me." - Hope it doesn't turn out like Ross and Carol!
    Respect - for saying you wouldn't mind being with a fat girl. Hope you mean it.
    Right on about the friendship thing. Books, movies, FRIENDS? I don't know. I thought the same way as you did, but my husband and I have pretty much opposite tastes. Yet, he is my best friend ever. So, you never know!

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  26. @ sowmya: thank you :P

    @ meow: seriously yaar…I hope too ke ise padhke koi taras khaale :D

    @ upasana: u so casually and unknowingly mention such beautiful things girl. Love wat u said here in the comment.

    @ Maithili: nai re…sab chahiye. And cool yaar…happy for u :)

    @ MSM: thank u yaar. Tere mu mein caramel custard.

    @ Mark: so true man. So true

    @ peeve: haan bhai. She slaps me toh fine. But main karu to saala character dheela hai? You in a way agreed with all points of mine.
    Thanks for the long comment :)
    And I agree…HIMYM as a show has itself become boring.

    @ red: Hi5 :D
    And FAT PEOPLE ROCK! You shouldn’t have taken that bath yaar. Rebel karna tha. SADDA HAQ…AITHE RAKH!

    @ nick: dude…I wan2 spend my life with her. not display her to people in exchange for money!

    @ chintan: arre compose compose. Don’t think twice. Main to bolta hu bhej de mail. :P

    @ dragon: arre aisi ladkiyon ko slap karne mein bohot majja hai yaar. Sab ladko ka mann karta hai. Trust me. Ye to zaalim samajh hamare haaton ko baandh deta hai!

    @ SU: man..u actually read the post again to comment na? it shows. U haven’t missed out on anything. That’s y I love u so much. Upar se now toh u fit the bill too :)

    @ AS: Thanks man. Hope ur wishes and prayers come true :D

    @ KARA: how can talking about poop makeme a guy? Don’t girls talk about poop? Im not trying to prove im a girl here…im jus arguing on ur point :)

    @ Blue Lotus: its disappointing wen the first line of ur comment is ‘be my man’ and second line it ‘im married’ please reverse them next time.and hey ur love story is so cute :)

    @ motu: chal re bhag idhar se. :D

    @ divya spiff: noooooooooooo! I don’t want 11 girls. May be one girl one night for 11 nights. But not 11 girlfriends! Dats a nightmare!

    @ NIA: thank u so much buddy.

    @ writing bee: aah…im inspiring people now. Maybe I should start a religion with me as god. Hmmmm. :P

    @ prosenjeet: hmmm…two dudes talking about finger fucking each other in public. Interesting. :P
    And thank u for finger fucking my follow button man. Its wet already :D

    @ sharvani: jug jug jiyo beta. Jug jug jiyo! Thank u so much :)

    @ keirthana: arre girls always dislike it wen I say love fades. They are like nai aisa nai hota. And truly said buddy. Thanks for the good luck :)

    @ sumitra: well…if shes only pointing out chicks for me and no guys for herself then maybe it wud be the ross carol thing :P
    And touchwood for u yaar. God bless. :)

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  27. Thanks for the list, BTW even I can write how to write a crap post. Oops I think I have written it so many times...

    And, that post on Upasana's blog is so lovely!

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  28. one crazy post...but definitely not crappy.. Gosh ur a frigging pervert na :P .. hehehe... but m sure ul find d one.. hold on for a while longer... *no pun intended* :P

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  29. Only you can write such sappy, bits and pieces from every end and yet get the readers to read it till the very end. Oh how I envy you!!!!!!!!!!

    Loved every word of it! Especially God's reaction! One day you should write about God's reaction to your various God-centric posts. :P

    "illegitimate child of Paulo Coelho and the writers of How I Met Your Mother" ROFLMAO!!!!!

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  30. Dude, You can Whisper whatever u want to here,
    I will Stay-free :P

    loved the left hand - right hand analogy !

    and, the same thing happened with me, when i had a flat , i didnt have a girl :(
    now, that i have a girl , i dont have a flat :(

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  31. 31 comments?! :O
    celeb, you've become! :P
    You won't even read it, still, dost hoon, isiliye comment kar deti hoon! :P

    News aayi thi, ke Justin Beiber won't be getting periods, because koi problem ho gayi thi! *ahem* :P
    just one question, why not a corporate chick?
    And no-bath days? Yuck.
    and that list is long, but simple! Koi toh mil hi jayegi, I'm pretty sure! :P :D
    And Ted ki story is really boring! He's just sleeping around with chicks! :P

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  32. omg! :P you've gotta be kidding.. So many slaps?? tsk tsk... you'll def have the 'mahila rakshak' behind ur back.. if you 'don't' get the 'required' girl :P :P
    :P :P

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  33. Teehee.. :P :P .. i jus can't stop laughing though! :P :P

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  34. You didn't mention her bathing habits in the checklist.
    Even if by some miracle you manage to find the girl that satisfies the checklist completely, would you still marry her if she takes bath twice a day?

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  35. HAHAHA ! Don't worry, the juices are flowing reasonably well. :D

    Your checklist seems pretty believable.
    PS : Instead of being a Ted Mosbey, why don't you try being a Barney Stinston for a while ? :)

    Just for the sake of curiousity, why do you live in Baroda now ?

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  36. here is my 5 paisa to the kalpak popularity fund. first time visitor. laughing away to glory early in the morning. As for the checklist, fun, food, friendship, family and of course the other big F! Marriage should be recoined as Farriage...

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  37. This was hilarious.. I was really tempted to laugh out loud, but refrained, since I was reading it in the office.. :)

    Good to stumble upon your blog.. :)

    ReplyDelete

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