Sunday, November 13, 2011

OF GUESTS AND POSTS


(DISCLAIMER: Not my regular humor post. If this is your first time here, please start reading from next post)

Guys would know that back in school we always had one place where we all craved to go, but couldn’t. It was like the Forbidden Forest for us. It was like we were Malfoy and his friends, and that place was the Room of Requirement. It was like that cupboard to Narnia. And that place was the girl’s toilet.

We guys always wondered what lies beneath those sacred doors; why girls always went in flocks. (in case the girls still think we never understood, we always did. We would always notice when a girl would make the subtlest eye gesture to her friend and they both would walk out)

I personally always wanted to take a trip inside. I was always curious about whether they had urinal pots similar to us. And I was always curious about that cabinet they had inside. I never understood why girls were given cabinets and we weren’t. I had in fact even told a friend once that we should go and demand a cabinet for ourselves too. Thanks to our country's amazing sex education, we guys never knew or understood periods. In fact I used to believe whisper was some wiping cloth, to clean tables and stuff.

Anyway, so the reason why I’m talking about the girls toilet so much is ‘cause after all these years, I have finally done it. I strode confidently inside a girls toilet, with their kind permission, peed, and came back out, unharmed. And since I did it, some girls have already commented that ‘it’ was really good and well framed and interesting. They said they never thought a guy like me could possibly have something like ‘that’ in him. They were impressed.

Non – perverts would know that I’m talking metaphorically here. What actually happened is I wrote a guest post in Darlings of Venus recently.

Darlings of Venus, for those who don’t know, is the girl’s toilet of the blogosphere. It is an all woman blog, where female writers write posts discussing various issues related to feminism. They bitch, basically. And since it’s an all female blog, where a bunch of women come together to gossip and bitch, I strongly believe they should rename it Darlings of Penis. (In case now you don’t find my post there, it is most certainly because of this comment)

I had written this short story long back, which I found to be suitable for their blog, and hence volunteered to guest post for them. It’s called Work Life Balance.

(Peevee, I owe you a guest post too. I remember. Will write soon buddy)

 Blog world is weird. People gleefully invite guests, and then proudly display the work done by them. In real life, guests are irritating. Not the relatives, but the family friends. I used to despise them when I was small. They came all of a sudden, and hijacked my room. I couldn’t haath marofy in the yummy food mom was cooking, because it was for the guests. I couldn’t go and watch TV, because they were sitting there talking to mom dad, and that would have been mannerless.

And the worst of it all, they would ask me to dance. When I was young, I used to dance really well (true story). I was ‘that fat kid who dances good’. I have even been to Boogie Woogie twice (not in the audience, you smart ass), and have won once. So when they saw that Boogie Woogie trophy, they instantly wanted me to show them the dance I’d done in the show.

GUEST: Beta, we heard you dance really well. C’mon, show us some.
ME (in my mind): Yeah? I heard your wife’s really good in bed. C’mon, show us some.
ME (on the face): *awkward smile*

Now back then I was really shy, and hence couldn’t show them the middle finger and walk away. Luckily my parents are sane, and my mom would change the topic to pass the awkward moment for me.

Guests apart, I saw Rockstar. It was a good movie, but not as awesome as I had expected it to be. What I loved in the movie was Ranbir’s character. I can’t recollect when last had I seen an Indian flick where a character was given so much depth and complexity. Before interval I was feeling what the hell is happening, but by the second half you have understood his character really well, and hence all his crazy acts seem justifiable. And I'm still in a hangover from the high that Rockstar music has given me. (One strongly recommended track : The Meeting Place. It's not a song. It's not music either. It's just noise. And a simple but really nice line. That track is proof that Rahman's genius is such that he can make even noise sound melodious. Hear it in your headphones, when it's all quiet around you. It'll give you goosebumps.)

Nargis Fakhri’s acting was abysmal, would be an understatement. Imtiaz Ali romance was typical, but beautiful as usual. He’s one director, I feel, who shows practical romance at its best. He’ll never show dancers in the background, or two people running around in Switzerland fields; with huge cows around who’re wondering what the fuck are these humans up to. Watch the video of Katiya Karun and you’ll know what I mean.

I would like to share with you all a very beautiful picture I came across recently, shared by someone on FB. I loved it so much that I instantly made it my wallpaper. It has a lot of moments captured in one still image. In fact, it has a whole life lived well together, captured in one still image.





Before I end this worthless post, I would like to make an announcement. I’m planning a post on my blog that would be an accumulation of various guest posts. But I won’t be deciding who I want to write here. It is all up to you readers. Blogging has helped add a few wonderful friends to my life, all of whom I would want to write a guest post for me. And them apart, if anyone of you reading this wants to write a small something here, please feel free and send it across.

All you have to do is write a small para. It can be anything, from the autobiography of that cockroach under your bed right now, to an Orkut style testimonial, to something as absurd as ‘Watching Ra.One, and twelve other reasons to kill yourself’

So write whatever comes to your mind and send it across on kalpak24@yahoo.co.in. The deadline to send your guest contributions is 19th November.

Here’s the list of people (in no particular order) for whom this guest para is compulsory. In the occurrence of them not sending this guest post, all chances they have or would have of sleeping with me will stand null and void:















And last, but definitely not the least:

Anonymous (my Secret Admirer)

Please do consider the hard work i did in linking all the above names, and send your posts. Also, just in case i missed out someone, please send me your post along with all the abuses that you have ever learnt in your life. I will publish them

So just write fast and send it people. Don’t procrastinate (me saying this is like SRK advising you to stop smoking.)

My inbox awaits you.

P.S.: Dear Secret Admirer, if you liked 'The Case of Four and Twenty Black Birds', then read 'October in the Chair'. It’s the best short story I’ve ever read, and not just of Neil Gaiman.

P.P.S.: A big thank you for the people at BlogAdda for selecting Definitions in your Tangy Tuesdays.

29 comments:

  1. You referred to DOV as a girl's bathroom????!! ROFLMAO! Loved the way you wrote that entire piece! Only you can make something as mundane and regular as linking back to your guest post funny.:P

    The competitive kid in me did a whoopie and scored when I saw my name first. :)

    And for that I shall most definitely try to write something good, but as of now, I'm not feeling like a writer much you know. :D

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  2. And that photo is amazing! Just the right kind. :)

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  3. That guy looks like Woody Allen btw. :D
    *Sorry for spamming*

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  4. You and dancing!!! Surprise ya shock i don't know but you won boogie woogie, great!!!!
    Itna linking kar hi diya hai toh darlings of venus ko bhi link kar diya hota :D :D

    The picture you shared really speaks volumes! Loved it <3

    And yess I will try to write a guest post (that doesn't mean I m scared of losing the chance ;)

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  5. Loved the pic!

    To be honest, I was like o_0 when you referred to DOV as Girls' toilet. And man, your analogies are way too beyond this world. Anyway, my humor sense got the better of me and I was clutching my stomach, laughing so hard at your post.

    And for the guest post, gotta think real hard so that it meets the standards of your blog. Will do it soon :)

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  6. You know what? You read my mind! Yesterday only this joke passed through my mind, what would only guys' blog be called? Ans : darlings of penis! :P

    ( Maithili : don't throw me out, please :P )

    And extend the date for guest posts janab, I've my semester exams from 16-23 november and I want to clear them all! And again, nice post! And also, you used to dance?! :O

    And you seriously need to get laid! Like really! Your fantasies will kill us all, if that doesn't happen any soon! :P

    I know a few hot girls in baroda! :P

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  7. a kp..there is a typo..
    it should be thought and not though..
    knowing me..you know this would have been the phirsshht thing i would tell u..
    i literally scanned the entire post to find atleast one typo..
    now search for it..
    muahahahahahahahha \m/\m/m\m/

    DOV..girls' toilet?????
    saalaa..:P:P
    hmmm..i know know i have to come up with something sooner..
    thi khai..will spin something lamer and send it to u..:P
    Oooooooooooooooooo..Secret Admirer..!!!!
    sahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii haii
    *wink wink wink*
    congrats for blog adda once again..
    a u remember you had once danced at renu's place on her bday..i think it was in 10th..
    heheeh...thankgod her house was on the ground floor..!!
    *runs..*
    heheeheh..
    nice pic haaan..really nice..
    love ya lotssssss jaanemannn...!!!

    cheers..!!

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  8. Wow! Darlings of Penis! :P *Applauds* Only you can stuff like this and not get your ass kicked. And what a threat you have bestowed upon us! - Null and void! :P :P Tumhare Blog pe likhne ke liye mujhe pata nahi kya kya paapad belne padenge!! *Sigh* :| :D

    Good one! Blessed Be! Oh, And Prads is just fine!

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  9. Been reading your blog since the time Spiff recommended it! I think I've commented only once until now. Usually am laughing so hard that i forget to comment by the time I finish reading it ;)

    Your post on DOV was brilliant (I refuse to call it DOP!). Even though you've been showered with a lot of love by your female fans, i have a sneaky feeling you are not tired of it yet! So here I go!
    The first time I read your blog I realized i hadn't laughed that hard in years. Each post is a gem! Absolutely hilarious, witty with just the right amount of sarcasm. Looking forward to these guest posts. I follow every blogger you mentioned here so it'll be interesting to see what they come up with! (am sure your threat will work just fine :P)
    Plus what you come up with for your guest posts!

    Cheers!

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  10. Heeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeee....Thank God u covered ur thoughts up with tht awkward smile :P.Man U really r obsessed with Neil Gaiman arent u..I did smile because of his surname but yes I agree he is one of the best writers!
    And about the post :D.. heehh Name number 2!!! Thankyou soo much Kalpak..Dil Garden Graden kar diya!! I shall send u something as soon as my mind starts working..And No I dont want to sleep with u...

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  11. i wonder what fucked up thought makes you laugh out loud suddenly when you can hide things with a smile. believe me guys, he does laugh out for no reason. sometimes cracks a disgusting joke, like someone-who-ate-eggs-farted-in-your-face joke.

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  12. I hated 'family friend' guests too. How I detested them, still do! And that pic, is so beautiful :)

    And now, I really want to go and watch Rockstar.

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  13. Saale Tharki...tu naachtha bhi tha? Chaddi ke saath ya uske bina? You were sex deprived even back then is it dude? Now I totally understand Ads for wanting to tie a Rakhi to you:P...

    You didn't just come pee in our women-lib loo buddy, you came and left your number on on DOV notice board too...you know the 'call me at XXX if you wanna know the things my thing can do ASAP' kinda messages we see in the loos normally ;)...you get away with a lot buddy, lucky bum you...seriously think of anybody else, even the male-admin, FL, doing this there!!!

    Dude trust me, the world is a much better place when you don't know squat about periods. It's the worst thing that sadistic man, GOD, did to us women-kind. And you bleddy fellow, "no uterus no opinion" so shut it!!!

    Nargis ki acting kharab hai OK, but since when did you men-kind start going to the movies to watch the actress, actually act baba? Share the royalty for the "Tangy Tuesday' thing gadhe...akhir maine bhi to help ki thi na ;)

    ‘Watching Ra.One, and twelve other reasons to kill yourself’...shouldn't this be ‘Watching Ra.One, and twelve other WAYS to kill yourself’ ? NO I'm not gonna write on that, but for you my love, how can I not write something apart from the added bonus of sleeping with you, huh huh; platinum opportunity and all? Me being the SA that I am, you will be sort of redemption when we finally get to it :P...And guests ko deadlines aur dhamkiyian? Bhartiyeh sanskriti ki waat laga di tune ****chod :P....OK enough naan sense...who says this isn't your typical post huh? Something about poop, even if it's about the place where we women poop, and a promised flash of your thing...typical hi hua na?

    P.S. It's been my absolute pleasure being one of the 'wonderful friends' you mention above in your post, but skinny dragon twice, ek baad ek saale, yeh insalat hum nahi bhoolenge jaani!!!

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  14. haha..my gawd, you write about so many hilarious things that by the time we get down to comment we forget the points*makes a note of sitting with a copy n pen next time to avoid scrolling up and down so much-who knows it might coz me to lose weight and why take chances;-)*

    okay DOV and girls toilet-naah, not really..it is still less messier and not as scandalizing-keep guessing which one!

    and then the place where you are asked to dance and the little Kalpak thinking out stuff in his mind-bowing down sir...went on to show that i was not the only weird one in childhood!
    and you won prizes in that tv show...wow, let us know when they do the re-runs and if we pester them enough to do it even though it is your jawani ki days now!

    i loved the pic too-gives u the goosebumps:-)

    and i am going to send you that paragraph only because you clearly mentioned that otherwise chances of sleeping with you would go null and void-although i am confused-should it be a para of the post we might wanna guest post or an independent para?*yes, we ask details as seriously as though it were an exam*
    anyways, if i fail to send the para-i hope since i have found my name in this illustrated list...there would at least be chances of a French Kiss?:p

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  15. haha...here i was grinning thinking-log kitne long long comments type karte hain-and when my got posted, i don't know where to look...we almost wrote those paras here itself:-)

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  16. @ Loony: IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER means something ok. Girls never understand na. Oh wow im first. Hey y im not first. Sheeesh.
    Thanks buddy :) and ya now that u pointed out...even i find him resembling woody allen little bit :)

    @ maithili: see im gonna assume all those who write the para "WANT" the chance ;)
    Thank you so much.

    @ keirthana: arre write anything. watever comes to ur mind. im sure it'll be better than the trash i produce :)
    thank u :)

    @ paanipuri lover: i have already given my answer to ur comment on the chat...so dnt have much to say now. jus to remind u, this guest post is ur once in lifetime opportunity...exams to aate rehte hain :)

    @ motu: saali sadist. typo tha to whatsapp pe batana tha na. comment kyu kitta? asshole.
    and i dont remember re? is that why renu's complex is now below sea level :-D
    thanks sweetheart :)

    @ prads: thank u sooo much dear. and once again thank u for my description u gave in ur blog. :)

    @ thegirlatfirstavenue: ok now im feeling guilty of not including u in dat list. ur officially included now ok. ur guest post is awaited too. :)
    and thanks a million for dat sweet comment :)

    @ red handed: all girls say that, but when they see me they cant resist :)
    and please, girls, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER means something yaar. sheeesh.
    write fast and send ok. reminder dene ki naubat nahi aani chahiye.

    @ nick: dude i need to talk to u. ur comment makes no sense. daaru peeke likha kya saale?

    @ destiny's child: hmmm...i shud take my post and ur comment to some production house. they'll pay me to write reviews then, if they're so influential :)
    thank u :)

    @ dragon: first of all, thank for the longest comment i have ever received on my blog. love u for dat.
    and i believe its more important for boys to know bout periods than girls. cos we're always on the receiving end saala.
    ur Ra.One title was better, i admit :)
    "Bhartiyeh sanskriti ki waat laga di tune ****chod" this line made me laugh for 5 min :D
    and baby, we are definitely sleeping together some day. likh lena. :)

    @ suruchi: if i combine ur two comments, they become longer than dragon's i guess. so dragon i take back the thank u for the longest comment and give it to suruchi. :)
    suruchi u've always been a sweetheart. and sadly i have no recording of that show, neither cud i find it on youtube. so the trophy is the only memory-cum-proof
    and darling, for u i can make a special exception. guest para or no guest para, sleeping offer always open ;) french kiss to hona hi hai abhi :D

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  17. Not that I really expected to find my name in a list of ANY sorts when guys write it up! But, having said that, grrrrrrrrrr!!

    Kinda wierd how one checks out random lists of names hoping to see one's own name there (why the eff am I using the third person? After all the shameless commenting I've been doing on your blog, does it mean you've not even ONCE seen mine? This is ofcourse, proclaimimg it myself - that HAD you seen it I most certainly would have made that list - Thanks for bashing my bloated skull in)

    Phew! Now that we've dispensed with THAT unpleasant job - awesome post as always, and your take on the Ladies' room is hilarious.

    P.S. *Darlings of Penis*? I mean, really? You're still in one piece after that?

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  18. Hahha I love what you wrote here. And I love that picture! :) Right now, I'm going through a writer's block but I would love to do a guest post for you! :) Please fb inbox me again, no? :D Love this post! <3

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  19. I will write only agar it was in that PARTICULAR ORDER :P
    Chalo theek hai...itne pyaar se bol rahe ho...

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  20. Nahi, maine soch liya hai! I will have a guest post to myself! No guest paragraph, a post, a proper one! Sab soch liya hai, sab set hai, ab keede mat karo! :P

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  21. You won Boogie Woogie! Wow, I used to watch that show :P .. COngrats man! :D .. Oyee zara humein bhi dance dikha :P

    And the image is awesome.. I totally totally loved it :) .. Btw I churaofied your idea of making GUEST POTS compulsory.. U see, I needed people to guest post and sorry I didn't sign an MoU with you, but you undertand no? :P .. Oh and YOU HAVE TO do a guest post thakur.. Go check it out!! Compulsory :D

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  22. Thank you! Thank you! Just ONE single comment of mine made you want to include me in the list?! Now THAT I dint expect ;)
    Toh phir the list needs to be updated na :P

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  23. And them guests tell you how tall you've grown and how teenie weenie small you were when they first saw you.
    ah, human development and growth. No one knows.
    -.-
    You're too freaking funny. You actually won? *raised eye brow expression*

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  24. Dear pakpak,
    Secret admirer this side.
    I must have been one of the first people to mail you. Yaar acknowledge toh kar ki tereko mail mila. I am commenting cuz the positive me is thinking that maybe you hav not checked my mail, cuz its by the name Kara. So just wanted to inform you :D.
    Yours truly
    Kara
    (secret admirer's got a name now)

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  25. @ Nirvana: My sincere apologies. ur guest post is awaited. im genuinely sorry. i've replied to ur this comment in the comments of ur latest post. :)

    @ dawnzhang: o chinese master...writer's block sab apne paas rakho. mujhe bas mera guest para dedo :)
    i will infest ur FB wall otherwise haan.

    @ red: hmmmmmm...thank u for d post :) and order is the order of submission. i believe in merit :)

    @ paanipuri lover: Bitch! :) (See how the additionaly smiley dilutes the whole meaning of the word, and i get to abuse u too that way :D )
    Chal theek hai, but jaldi bhejna.

    @ confused soul: thanks dear :) and i have told u on FB, i genuinely missed out on u. please send the post by 19th :)

    @ thegirlatfirstavenue: no i wont edit the list. i will mention all missed out people alag se in next post. i owe them this :) BTW...ur para is awaited.

    @ crystal: thank u so much buddy :)

    @ anonymous: i replied :)

    @ nick: saale bhaise.

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  26. Late kicking but a good hard kick on the ass for renaming DOV AFTER coming and guest posting there(I agree with the girls' bathroom bit though).
    And it's too late to comment on the rest:|

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  27. OH, and I suppose I should thank you for including me in the must-list:) Regardless of the consequences you talk of, I'm honored:)

    And please post a link to the Boogie Woogie episode, it has been in my top five favorite-st programmes since forever.

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