Thursday, October 6, 2011

HORROR – SCOPES


 Let’s face it, believers or not, we all read our horoscopes everyday. We all remain cautious the day it says ‘accident prone’, we all dress our best when it says ‘chances of falling in love today’, and we all trim our pubic hair when it says ‘you might get lucky’.

Basically, we all are lame. And people who deny being lame are the lamest. (Add this to my Bro Code)

Now I have a genuine reason why I chose horoscopes to be the topic of my post this time. It could have been anything from the sad demise of the great Steve Jobs, to the autobiography that Shoaib Akhtar wrote when he was doped (drugs supplied by the publishers), to the shape and color of my today morning’s poop (Carrot-ish, chrome yellow). By the way, if your last name is Jobs, you should know beforehand that resigning will lead to death. And just in case the following is going to be your strategy, it’s not going to work:

Mom. Dad. Steve Jobs died. Can I buy an iPhone, just out of respect for him?

So this post could have been on any random topic, but it's not. It rather is on a very specific random topic… horoscopes. And the main reason for that is my sheer frustration towards them off late.

Let me explain.

Since the past almost three weeks, my horoscope, almost every day, tells me about the possibility of meeting someone new and falling in love and a new romance blooming.

 Now I’m not a desperate guy (stop laughing). I’m just currently in the Ted phase of my life, where I’m yet again searching for my ‘The One’. So when horoscopes, something you trust on a little more than your barber, keep suggesting the possibility of two flowers dashing together (censored Indian version), you tend to get hopeful.  

Again, its not that I want a girl just for the physical stuff (I’ll seriously punch you now, STOP LAUGHING!), but having an empty, nice, completely furnished apartment, fully to your own self in a new city and no girl seems like a total waste. I used to believe good chicks in Baroda are rare (I was born and brought up in Bombay, which is why my benchmark of good chicks starts way high), until I visited the Navratris here. And now I can safely say that Baroda chicks make Bombay chicks look like Thane – Mulund chicks (I don’t mean that girls, it’s just for my psychological satisfaction)

So now you understand the reason behind my frustration. And my frustration is the reason behind this post. By the way, have you ever wondered why, when asked by parents ‘what do you predict my child will become?’ astrologers never say that the child will be an astrologer?

So here it is, your horoscope, by me. I’ll call it ‘What Ganesha Actually Says’

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
If you’re an arian born on 24th of March 1988 at around 2.12 PM, then you are awesome. You are absolutely sexy, and great in bed. You look handsome, and you can go a week without bathing and still not stink. You are the funniest of them all, and your penis is really thick and long. If you’re not born on 24th of March 1988 at around 2.12 PM, then you’re totally jealous of the one who is.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You will watch the Matrix trilogy for the 17th time this week, and still won’t understand most of the concept. If you’re an engineering student, you will contemplate suicide after this, as you will feel your life has lost all meaning. If you’re a normal person, you will say ‘fuck it’ and start watching the LOTR trilogy. If you’re gay, you’ll start watching Twilight series.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
You will be the centre of attention at a social event, because your nipples would be shaping up due to the AC being on blast. Marriage is on the cards. This doesn’t mean you’re likely to get married; it means you’re receiving many wedding cards. And at one of these weddings you’ll meet your soulmate, and are likely to get married. But do not marry the person. He/she is just talking to you because your nipples are showing.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Your zodiac is a disease, and so are you, on this planet. Forget just today, but this whole week, whole month, whole year, your whole life will be bad. You will fail in school, you will not get admission in college, you will not get the girl you desire, your marriage will be a failure, your kids (in whose creation you have no contribution) will throw you out of the house, and after you die, God and Satan will argue over you:

‘Ae tu le na isko.’
‘Ae nai tu lena.’
‘Ae hamesha kya main hi leneka?’

LEO (July 23 – August 23)
You’re reading this blog right now. (So far so good, eh!) Your girlfriend will walk in on you while you’re secretly watching Bade Achche Lagte Hain, and you will have a hard time explaining her you’re straight. You will win the Ghar baithe Lakhpati contest on KBC, and will gamble by trying to answer one more question, and will end up losing all the money.

VIRGO (August 24 – September 22)
No matter how much ever you fuck around, thanks to your zodiac, you will remain a Virgin for life. You will get hit in your stomach by a cow as you try to milk her. The same incident will repeat with your wife in the bedroom, and you will have a Déjà Vu. To avoid such unfortunate incidences from occurring, recite ‘Bobo sheeky ooh laa eeky eeky eeky’ 150 times, and slap your left butt cheek every time you say ‘Eeky’.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
What are you doing reading this blog? Your birthday is coming. Make plans for the treat Go. Shoo. If your birthday is today and you’re reading this, just take a moment and think about what your life has been reduced to. If your birthday got over, sulk. You just lost one whole year of your life.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 21)

The moon will be jolly dancing with Uranus today, due to which you will get Haemorrhoids (Piles). As a result, the moon will be hovering around Uranus, and a doctor will be hovering around Your Anus. Also, Jupiter cheated on Pluto when he discovered Pluto was no more an official planet. Pluto caught him red handed in the fifth house with Mars, and there was this big commotion. Earth and Venus grabbed pop corn and sat together to watch the fight. All these things mean bad luck for you.


SAGGITARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
If you’re a female, and someone at a party asks you ‘Are you a saggy?’ don’t get offended. He isn’t referring to your breasts; he’s just confirming your zodiac. If you’re a guy, go check your Orkut. Exactly one day before you shifted to Facebook, you’d sent a random fraandship request to a hot chick on Orkut. She has finally replied in your scrapbook, and added you back. Actually chuck her; she’s so lame she’s still on Orkut. You can do better. As the great Aristotle once told Alexander, ‘Always stalk 5 girls on Facebook at a time, atleast one will surely add you back. But she won’t be the one you badly want to befriend’.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Every year you ruin the Christmas or New Year with your birthday being around, and this year won’t be any different. You will make many new friends today, none of whom will be there when you need them. Wear your sky blue underwear today.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
All planets are in their houses, which is great for you, but you’re out of your house. You will get drunk tonight, and have a gala time with your friends. If you’re a female, go and sleep with a guy who’s just moved from Bombay to Baroda and writes a humor blog *wink wink*, and it will be highly auspicious for you.

PISCES (February 20 – March 21)
Just like your zodiac, even you will remain last forever. Today is a very lucky day for romance. For things to go smoothly, you must show middle finger to your boss today, when he’s looking at you. Keep your cell phone charged today. There are chances you might get caught by your mom when you’re watching porn. Be careful.

And yes people, I was born on 24th March 1988, at 2.12 PM. So I’m very confident that this horoscope is true.

38 comments:

  1. I was born on 26th March, god-knows-when, so I know it's not true. :D
    Cancer and Scorpio are the bestest!!! :P
    And why didn't you include anything for the "female arian"?

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  2. You know you might fine 'THE ONE' if you removed your head out of the shit pot and stoppped trying to figure out the shape and colour of it....eeeeeeeeeeeyuck...don't even get me started on the length and thickness matter!!! Ur so much fun to read I wonder how you are in person!!! In your face I guess just like me ;)...BTW tru about the capri thing, I make shit loads of freinds every year, at the New Year's parties, it being my b'day and all, but all disppear sooner than later...sky blue huh...nahi hai...baby pink chalega?

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  3. There were places where you made me fall of the chair laffing and there were places where you made me 'cringe' in awkwardness!!!
    WHAT ARE YOU??? :P

    do drop by http://www.multiplepersona.blogspot.com/
    I am sure you wont 'cringe'! :D

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  4. goddd kp..wait till i see you again..m going to slap you tight and hard..grrr..how dare you..grrr..


    Ok..now that i am happy..
    Despite having written such crappy utter nonsense about my zodiac 'CANCER' i am still going to say good things about you..
    See i am so great..:p :p

    kudos to your imagination..i still cant believe its the same fool i knew years ago in school..m so glad my company has rubbed off on you..
    Hahaha..

    So i loved Scorpio and Aquarius..lol..rofl..
    And now now kp admit it..Bombay Chicks are Bombay Chicks after all..
    *seductive look* hahaha..

    @ Dragon..i will tell u how he is in person..contact me anytime you want..
    *rubbing hands with glee and an evil smirk*

    time for revenge..
    Gahahahahaha \m/

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  5. @ loony : aries is my territory honey..i will obviously rant about just my species. if u still want the predictions, here it is: female arians will drool over male arians born on 24th march 1988 at 2.12 PM :)

    @ dragon : well...to examine my poop i dont actually need to put my head inside d pot u c. i can stand there and admire it...like at jehangir art gallery :D
    baby pink underwear is lucky for capris only every alternate day, and today is not that day. :)

    @ akila venkat: thanks for stopping by, and thanks again for d lovely comment. :)

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  6. @ aditi (meoww) : we knew each other years ago, and we know each other now. d imagination powers i got in the between period. Ha! :D

    thanks for d sweet comment. and hello, in my blog post comments, one worshiper of mine isn't allowed to talk to another worshiper, without my approval ;-D

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  7. good post....i knw that inspite of all this "non sense" about the horoscopes u religiously read urs and ur ex gfs just to make sure their day goes bad(JACKO!!)

    so you are watching HIMYM now a days ...the influence can be seen....BUT DO NOT FORGET FRIENDS STILL ROCKS!!!!!!!

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  8. Being a virgo...reading this dint do good to me :P
    Smart post..yet again!!!!1 :D
    iRIP Steve Jobs!

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  9. Jehangir art gallery ain? Good Good...may more of your contributions make it's way there ;)...who said I need luck buddy...luck is for losers...I believe it making every day lucky and I write my own destiny...(I have no clue from where the attitude is pouring)...Aditi, I think I'll visit the house of crap, Jehangir art gallery and see what insights I can get, and then we'll discuss in deatils about this empty head..deal :P?

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  10. LOL! My irish manager used to call a lady Saggy :D


    #_#
    1955-2011

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  11. @kp..*yawns*
    @dragon..aaaan yuss..deal it be my girl..\m/ lets gang up on him..8)

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  12. I loved the way you compared bombay, baroda and thane-mulund girls, was quite hilarious. Guys are always working out so hard to categorize girls... Use this energy to do something better...And, I am saggi...From now on I would read between lines to know what Ganesha actually says...
    Saru

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  13. I am a Gemini! :O :D Lol, nothing of that sorts has happened to me and yes, I did get loads of wedding cards though! :P

    I really like Horoscopes btw, if told by the right person, they work out just fine for me ;) :P

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  14. Some bits were totally gross(chrome yellow..whatever!!).Some were super hilarious(Zodiac predictions except pisces!)

    And am still fuming on the thane-mulund chicks sentence!! :-P

    ReplyDelete
  15. What about an Arian born on 2nd April 1990 at 12.00p.m.? Do same rules apply?

    And HOW do you come up with such awesome crap?:D

    P.S: Isn't it supposed to be darker than chrome? Get checked.

    :D

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ugh your poop wasn't an interesting read :P .. eeeyeeeewwww and yes my horoscope was so normal.. I have my b'day coming,,,yayieee and I'm giving prelims :( .. ughh what a bummer!
    Steve Jobs. R.I.P

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  17. Precisely why I never read my horoscope. :/ Now you've given me even more reason to!

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  18. Hahahahahahahahaaa LOL.
    The poop part *gags*
    What about an Arian born in the morning on 19th April?!
    This is such cool shit (pun unintended)
    Made me laugh like crazy :p

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  19. @ shefu: i read my ex's horoscopes? yeah u wish! ;)

    @ red handed: i write a whole post in ur comments, and wats dis? charity comment?! nonsense.

    @ dragon: yup. u can write ur own destiny. sky blue underwear will help u in dat :D

    @ chintan: he he. poor woman. btw...r u male or female??

    @ aditi (meow) : get out of here.

    @ saru: he he. yaaaa. to be safe people should pronounce it 'sa-jee' instead of 'sa-gee'

    @ dawnzhang: well...even if it had happened u'd have never known ;). and same is my case wid horoscopes, but d question is...who is d right person?

    @ upasana : arre u are one of those rare exceptions in thane mulund re. ur gorgeous. i was talkin bout d other chicks. u belong in bandra babe :)

    @ peevee: well, ur one of the arians who're in awe of me then. :) and well i already flushed that specimen. will check closely next time.

    @ confused soul : he he. all the best man.

    @ spaceman spiff : another charity comment. whats wrong with u and red. i expect minimum 4 paras in commnents from a few bloggers, and u 2 are two of them. huh. losers.

    @ blah blah horlicks (:-D): thank you :) i never knew my poop would generate so much interest. next thing u know google is making a doodle dedicated to my poop, in same color and shape. that would be awesome! :)

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  20. Para
    Para
    Para
    Para

    Here. Four paras. Happy?

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. Awe of you? Pffft.
    Give me one good reason to (apart from Google making a doodle of your chrome-yellow poop i.e)

    :D

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  23. nice one...I guess the Horror-scopes are sometimes true for none of the people at all the times :)! I believe (Shashi Kapoor accent) - Insaan apni takdeer khud banata hai, maa....

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  24. @ divya (spaceman) : seriously?!

    @ peevee: isnt that reason itself good enough?? imagine u can boast this to ur friends "hey u saw todays google? thats the poop of my friend kalpak" :)
    and ur friends will be like 'whoaaaa!!'

    @ nitin jain: he he. true story man.

    @ nikky nail: yeah? tell the cancerians who read it and commented :)

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  25. So you are stalking some aquarian female haan ? LOL ! great post .. M an arian so a safe start dere. I have grown from Horoscopes to Fb apps like - God wants you to know, & tarrot cards .. they are fun too!

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  26. @ vaishali - ssssshhhhhhhhhh!!! Sherlock! :)
    and congrats on bein born under the best sign ;)

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  27. Thane-Mulund what???

    Though I absolutely loved the Satan-God argument in Hindi..you can just see them in full regalia arguing over a body.. :p

    And the "saggy" thing..lol..

    Hilarious, as always. :)

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  28. @ SHIVANI : Thank you :) and why u comment so late??

    ReplyDelete
  29. How do you manage to be 'this' ossum? Are you suffering from 'ossumness'. Just love ur blog. I am addicted to it.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I didn't check it for a long time after you sent me the msg..and then I forgot :p

    ReplyDelete
  31. I dont believe in charity comments nor do i believe in tit for tat. So i commented coz this was read :) I wouldnt be coming back here, if it was charity.
    Anyways, I said that being a virgo this post dint do me any good because i remember how you call a virgo a virgin and you asked me if i am one :P
    I dint get the message delivered properly. My bad!

    Anyways reconsider the charity line!

    ReplyDelete
  32. @ sinbycosmoy : thanks man. :) stay addicted! :D

    @ shivani: hmmmmm. kalpak not happy :D

    @ red: whoaa lady! wen i asked if u wer a virgin i was confirmin ur zodiac. sheesh. ache bhale insaan ka naam kharab karte hain log :D

    and ya i know...for ppl who know me for sometime now...the virgo virgin joke is overdone. but i like it :D

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  33. Hahaha.. very cool post Kalpak :)

    trust me, tera bi number aayega :)

    Awesum read, dude :)

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  34. I wish you luck Kalpak!

    Tell me, what do you eat? The color of your shit is a clue but I insist. Where does the humour come from, I am really curious. :D

    Awesome post!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Despite being a Cancerian, I loved your post!!! Cool one :)

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  36. hahahahaha :D What's with the cancer hatred , you're such an aries :D * same pinch * :D

    ReplyDelete

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