Let’s face it, believers or not, we all read our horoscopes everyday. We all remain cautious the day it says ‘accident prone’, we all dress our best when it says ‘chances of falling in love today’, and we all trim our pubic hair when it says ‘you might get lucky’.
Basically, we all are lame. And people who deny being lame are the lamest. (Add this to my Bro Code)
Now I have a genuine reason why I chose horoscopes to be the topic of my post this time. It could have been anything from the sad demise of the great Steve Jobs, to the autobiography that Shoaib Akhtar wrote when he was doped (drugs supplied by the publishers), to the shape and color of my today morning’s poop (Carrot-ish, chrome yellow). By the way, if your last name is Jobs, you should know beforehand that resigning will lead to death. And just in case the following is going to be your strategy, it’s not going to work:
Mom. Dad. Steve Jobs died. Can I buy an iPhone, just out of respect for him?
So this post could have been on any random topic, but it's not. It rather is on a very specific random topic… horoscopes. And the main reason for that is my sheer frustration towards them off late.
Let me explain.
Since the past almost three weeks, my horoscope, almost every day, tells me about the possibility of meeting someone new and falling in love and a new romance blooming.
Now I’m not a desperate guy (stop laughing). I’m just currently in the Ted phase of my life, where I’m yet again searching for my ‘The One’. So when horoscopes, something you trust on a little more than your barber, keep suggesting the possibility of two flowers dashing together (censored Indian version), you tend to get hopeful.
Again, its not that I want a girl just for the physical stuff (I’ll seriously punch you now, STOP LAUGHING!), but having an empty, nice, completely furnished apartment, fully to your own self in a new city and no girl seems like a total waste. I used to believe good chicks in Baroda are rare (I was born and brought up in Bombay, which is why my benchmark of good chicks starts way high), until I visited the Navratris here. And now I can safely say that Baroda chicks make Bombay chicks look like Thane – Mulund chicks (I don’t mean that girls, it’s just for my psychological satisfaction)
So now you understand the reason behind my frustration. And my frustration is the reason behind this post. By the way, have you ever wondered why, when asked by parents ‘what do you predict my child will become?’ astrologers never say that the child will be an astrologer?
So here it is, your horoscope, by me. I’ll call it ‘What Ganesha Actually Says’
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
If you’re an arian born on 24th of March 1988 at around 2.12 PM, then you are awesome. You are absolutely sexy, and great in bed. You look handsome, and you can go a week without bathing and still not stink. You are the funniest of them all, and your penis is really thick and long. If you’re not born on 24th of March 1988 at around 2.12 PM, then you’re totally jealous of the one who is.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You will watch the Matrix trilogy for the 17th time this week, and still won’t understand most of the concept. If you’re an engineering student, you will contemplate suicide after this, as you will feel your life has lost all meaning. If you’re a normal person, you will say ‘fuck it’ and start watching the LOTR trilogy. If you’re gay, you’ll start watching Twilight series.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
You will be the centre of attention at a social event, because your nipples would be shaping up due to the AC being on blast. Marriage is on the cards. This doesn’t mean you’re likely to get married; it means you’re receiving many wedding cards. And at one of these weddings you’ll meet your soulmate, and are likely to get married. But do not marry the person. He/she is just talking to you because your nipples are showing.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Your zodiac is a disease, and so are you, on this planet. Forget just today, but this whole week, whole month, whole year, your whole life will be bad. You will fail in school, you will not get admission in college, you will not get the girl you desire, your marriage will be a failure, your kids (in whose creation you have no contribution) will throw you out of the house, and after you die, God and Satan will argue over you:
‘Ae tu le na isko.’
‘Ae nai tu lena.’
‘Ae hamesha kya main hi leneka?’
LEO (July 23 – August 23)
You’re reading this blog right now. (So far so good, eh!) Your girlfriend will walk in on you while you’re secretly watching Bade Achche Lagte Hain, and you will have a hard time explaining her you’re straight. You will win the Ghar baithe Lakhpati contest on KBC, and will gamble by trying to answer one more question, and will end up losing all the money.
VIRGO (August 24 – September 22)
No matter how much ever you fuck around, thanks to your zodiac, you will remain a Virgin for life. You will get hit in your stomach by a cow as you try to milk her. The same incident will repeat with your wife in the bedroom, and you will have a Déjà Vu. To avoid such unfortunate incidences from occurring, recite ‘Bobo sheeky ooh laa eeky eeky eeky’ 150 times, and slap your left butt cheek every time you say ‘Eeky’.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
What are you doing reading this blog? Your birthday is coming. Make plans for the treat Go. Shoo. If your birthday is today and you’re reading this, just take a moment and think about what your life has been reduced to. If your birthday got over, sulk. You just lost one whole year of your life.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 21)
The moon will be jolly dancing with Uranus today, due to which you will get Haemorrhoids (Piles). As a result, the moon will be hovering around Uranus, and a doctor will be hovering around Your Anus. Also, Jupiter cheated on Pluto when he discovered Pluto was no more an official planet. Pluto caught him red handed in the fifth house with Mars, and there was this big commotion. Earth and Venus grabbed pop corn and sat together to watch the fight. All these things mean bad luck for you.
SAGGITARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
If you’re a female, and someone at a party asks you ‘Are you a saggy?’ don’t get offended. He isn’t referring to your breasts; he’s just confirming your zodiac. If you’re a guy, go check your Orkut. Exactly one day before you shifted to Facebook, you’d sent a random fraandship request to a hot chick on Orkut. She has finally replied in your scrapbook, and added you back. Actually chuck her; she’s so lame she’s still on Orkut. You can do better. As the great Aristotle once told Alexander, ‘Always stalk 5 girls on Facebook at a time, atleast one will surely add you back. But she won’t be the one you badly want to befriend’.
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Every year you ruin the Christmas or New Year with your birthday being around, and this year won’t be any different. You will make many new friends today, none of whom will be there when you need them. Wear your sky blue underwear today.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
All planets are in their houses, which is great for you, but you’re out of your house. You will get drunk tonight, and have a gala time with your friends. If you’re a female, go and sleep with a guy who’s just moved from Bombay to Baroda and writes a humor blog *wink wink*, and it will be highly auspicious for you.
PISCES (February 20 – March 21)
Just like your zodiac, even you will remain last forever. Today is a very lucky day for romance. For things to go smoothly, you must show middle finger to your boss today, when he’s looking at you. Keep your cell phone charged today. There are chances you might get caught by your mom when you’re watching porn. Be careful.
And yes people, I was born on 24th March 1988, at 2.12 PM. So I’m very confident that this horoscope is true.