Thursday, October 27, 2011

HARRY POTTER AND THE PORTKEY KI MAA KI AANKH


Harry and Hermione ran the fastest. Ron was trying to catch up, and Harry and Hermione had to slow down at places to wait for Ron. It wasn’t a Death Eater or a Dementor this time. The Dark Lord himself was chasing them.

“I will kill you Harry Potter,” hissed Voldemort, as he kept casting Avada Kedavra’s at them repeatedly. But he missed everytime. ‘Damn these snake eyes,’ he thought to himself.

Whilst they ran for their lives, Harry and Hermione spotted an object atop a hillock at a distance. “Portkey!” they both exclaimed in unison, and cued Ron to follow them, as they sprinted towards the Portkey.

As they reached, they saw that it was a toy; an action figure toy of a super hero. The face of that toy looked wrinkled and old, and the costume was blue and silver, with blue spark effects, and the whole toy looked like a gay person. At the back of the toy was written ‘G.One’.

“Damn Bollywood marketing,” exclaimed Ron.

“Isn’t this the Indian actor who can spread his arms really wide?” asked Harry.

“Yup. That’s him,” confirmed Ron.

“Are you sure this gay looking toy is a Portkey Harry?” Hermione asked.

“I’m sure. I can sense the Portus charm has been cast upon it.”

“How can you sense a charm Harry?” asked an astonished Ron.

“Dude, I’m The Harry Potter. I can do anything, and everything happens only with me. So just trust me here okay?”

“If you say so Harry.”

As their hands were moving forward to grab the G.One doll, Voldemort apparated in front of them. He had suddenly realized that he could apparate, and was being dumb in chasing them. And before they could react to the situation, all four of them had touched the Portkey.

Thousands of miles away, in the city of Mumbai, they four appeared.

They all got scared. It was a very weird place. There was a huge crowd surrounding them, and loud music played at ear-fuck levels. The crowd around them was going around in circles, clapping their palms together synchronously on the music being played. Few people in the crowd, it seemed, were merrily fighting by clanking wooden sticks together.

As their eyes scanned the whole place, Hermione finally saw it. There was a large hoarding which said ‘Navratri Dandiya Mahotsav’

“Where are we?” exclaimed a visibly scared Voldemort. He had the perfect chance now to end Harry’s life, but he wasn’t going to. He knew he’d need someone with him in that scary place, where people were celebrating this bizarre ritual.

Everyone around them was heavily dressed. The men were wearing long colorful robes, and the women were wearing skirts and blouses. A big bulge took shape in Voldemort’s cloak as he saw a few girls with backless blouses.

“Duuuuuude!,” Harry pointed, as Ron and Hermione joined in the laughter.

“You little kids know nothing about magic. It’s a charm I’m practicing.”

“Oh yeah right. What do you call it? Hornius Erectum?” commented Hermione, as they all burst out laughing harder.

“You need to get laid Voldemort,” said Harry, “and with an actual woman. Stop fucking Nagini.”

This resulted in an uproar of laughter, resulting in Voldemort feeling insulted and walking away.

Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way out of that Garba Raas, and entered the car parking lot. There, inside most cars, they saw couples in various stages of undressing and various positions of sex. That is when they understood the true meaning of Navratri.

Outside one car, they saw the bodies of a boy and a girl, screaming in terrible pain.

“Someone has cast the Cruciatus curse on these muggles,” Hermione reckoned.

As they peeked inside the car, the saw a skinny man covered in a black cloak, shaking mildly. It was Voldemort. He was masturbating. And as he did that, he was making a weird noise. ‘Aaahhsss… anak su-na-moon… p s balasubramaniam… sufferin succotash’

“Ewwwwwwww. Snake Penis,” they all exclaimed aloud.

Voldemort suddenly got aware of their presence and apparated.

“What was he saying Harry?” asked Ron.

“That was Parselmouth for ‘yeah baby this feels so nice’” translated an embarrassed Harry.

As they walked, Harry saw a wooden stick lying on the ground. It was similar to what muggles were using to play Dandiya.

“Is this The Elder Wand?” Harry wondered aloud.

“Buddha Hoga Tera Baap. I am the younger wand. Yo!” the wand replied.

Harry recklessly threw it away.

“So what now? Where do we go?” Hermione asked.

“I know,” said Ron, as he took out a cell phone. That was a muggle communicating device that his father was really fond of. He instantly called up Parvati Patil, who he knew stayed in Mumbai. He explained the whole situation to her, and she invited them over to her place.

Harry, Ron and Hermione spent the next one month at the Patil’s residence, with Parvati and Padma. Staying in Mumbai made them acquainted with political parties like Shiv Sena and MNS, and that is when they understood the real reason why Rowling chose Marathi Indian characters. She didn’t want her book banned in Maharashtra.

Parvati and Padma’s mother, Mrs. Pratibha Patil, was more than delighted to have Harry over. She told him how their family was always close to James and Lily Potter, and how James and Lily came down to Mumbai every year during Diwali.

Once, during Diwali, while enjoying the muggle device called TV, they chanced upon the trailer of the new Agneepath movie, starring Hrithik Roshan and Sanjay Dutt. That is when they found out that Voldemort had bulked up in between and acted as a villain in that Bollywood movie.

While they saw TV, Parvati felt like taking a leak, and she went to the bathroom. Right before she was about to open the bathroom door, she heard a weird noise coming from inside.

She knew this voice. She knew it was Parselmouth. And since Harry was out watching TV, that could only mean one thing.

She rushed back and told the others that You-Know-Who was in her bathroom. All of them, wands drawn, went to the bathroom, led by Harry. They pressed their ears against the bathroom door, and heard a noise coming from inside.

Sun saiba sun… savita bhabhi… ai ai ya suku suku… sala sutiya

“It’s him,” Harry whispered to the others. “He’s shagging again.”

And then, Harry got an idea.

“Knock Knock!,” said Harry aloud.

“Who’s there?” Voldemort replied.

“I’ve had a…”

“You’ve had a what?”

“I’ve had a Kedavra!” yelled Harry as he burst open the door and pointed his wand at Voldemort.

And there, right in front of their eyes, lay the Dark Lord, dead. But for someone who lived such a terrifying life and was known as the darkest wizard of all times, dying with one hand grabbing his non-erect dick didn’t make a good picture.

“Kids,” Parvati and Padma’s mother spoke, “there’s something you must know.”

They all sat near the fireplace, surrounding Mrs. Patil. “You know Harry, that whole story of Voldemort coming to kill you and killing you parents and leaving a scar on your forehead…”

“Yes Mrs. Patil,” said Harry.

“…is bullshit. The truth is, like every year, your mom dad had come down to Mumbai with you one Diwali. That year, Voldy was here too, celebrating. He loved rockets. And one day, as he was firing a rocket, the bottle fell. That rocket flew right into our house, and right to your face, leaving your forehead scarred for life.

“Voldemort couldn’t stand such an embarrassing incident being associated with him, The Dark Lord. So he cooked up the whole story as you know it. He killed your parents because only they knew the truth. I know all this, as when it happened, I was making puris in the kitchen. Voldy wasn’t aware of my presence, and that’s why I live till this day to tell you the truth. So originally, I am The-Kaku*-Who-Lived”

A tumult of emotions stirred inside Harry. As he was lost in thoughts, a misfired rocket entered the Patil house and hit Harry on his forehead. There was a throbbing pain in his scar. Everyone rushed to his help.

“Harry,” Hermione gasped.

“What?”

“That rocket formed another scar, and both the scars now form an x. It looks like the logo of that Navratri Dandiya Mahotsav on your forehead.”

They all shared a hearty laughter over Harry’s new stupid look. “Ek toh phursht only he looks like Jushtin Bieber, upar se this, Poor chap,” said Parvati, in her signature vernacular style.

(Parvati’s mother also later solved the mystery of why the portkey didn’t function properly and transported them to Mumbai. It was Made in China.)

The scar then never pained Harry ever. All was well. (Although he had to visit a plastic surgeon to remove those scars on Ginny’s insistence.)

* Kaku is Marathi for aunties who look like crows.

30 comments:

  1. Dude!!!! :O I was rofling hard! I usually would be rolling my eyebrows but lol, this is so funny! :D Esp witht he Kaku-who-lived thing! :D Haha, way to go! And you're perverted! Way too perverted! :P

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  2. ROFLMAO!! I have every right to hate you for messing with my Potter, but God...you are hilarious! I can't decide which joke I loved the best!! But honestly, you deserve so much more space than just a blog! Your best post till date! :P

    P.S: I take back my Alaska-yeti comment. Instead, let the Portkey take you all the way to the best strip club in Las Vegas. :D

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  3. kpppppp..hahahahahahahaha


    why why why why why do i tolerate you so much..
    I guess this is the reason why..loll..
    That whole part of voldy going horny was so insane..
    Bwahahahahahaha..


    And kaku who lived...rofl rofl rofl :p
    sigh..you havent kept your promise..but still i cant be cross with you..

    Su vaat che bapuuuu :D

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  4. Hahaha! Man, you are hillarious!

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  6. POOP-HEAD...I don't know how you manage this? My stomach is stil hurting....and I came back after 2 hours....A lil too much adult content though ...thoda control yaar...I know your single and all :P...and dude if the Shiv Sena ke goons knew you wrote this they will ban you from Mumbai...tab kya karoage...how will you leer at those girls at those cafes? Tum to single ke single reh jaoge na...tch tch...

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  7. I hate you! I swear I do!! I would Avada Kedavra you right now if I could, for spoiling Harry Potter for me!!
    But then, if I kill you, who else will make me laugh so hard that I really feel like peeing now?!
    :D :D :D :D Saala!!
    By the way, please to be mailing me or pinging me soon. Very urgent info required. Pliss!!

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  8. OMG you took on The Harry Potter.. Avada Kedavara to you :P . hehehe Hornius Erectum, actually does sound like a spell.. This is awesome man.. I couldn't stop laughing like the entire time.. haha.. good going :P ..

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  9. LOL Kalpak, SRK flopped Ra.1 has finally entertained someone...The actor has spreads his arms wide and gay thing...lol...As always, ROFl after reading your post!

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  10. @ dawnzhang: thank you. and thanks again for sharing the link :)

    @ loony: best post till date?? hmmmm...i still feel my paparazzi post was best so far. and thanks for the strip club wish :)

    @ motu: i kept my promise. we met naa. and u tolerate me so much cos im sexy. its nothin got to do with my writing. and u know this is the truth, and nothin but the truth :)
    thanks sweetheart.

    @ sumitra: thank you :)

    @ believer: i instantly get a mail on my cell when someone comments. so i did read ur comment. thanks for it. y u removed it but???

    @ skinny dragon: first of all...please stop callin me poop head. its catching one. and thank you for publicly declaring im single. hope some hot chick read that ;)

    @ spaceman: please explain how laughin hard makes u wanna pee???

    @ confused soul: thank you buddy :)

    @ saru: thank u sooo much :)

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  11. GAHAHAHAHAH KYUN KARTA HAI TU AISA ?
    I am not sure if I am crying or laughing because even my nose is running now :D
    Yes!! SNAKE PENIS??!!! GAHAHAHAHAHAH
    Navaratri only!
    Aiooooo Hhahahahaha. Iam sorry I am getting incoherent now.
    Ghahahaha

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  12. GAHAHAHAHAH KYUN KARTA HAI TU AISA ?
    I am not sure if I am crying or laughing because even my nose is running now :D
    Yes!! SNAKE PENIS??!!! GAHAHAHAHAHAH
    Navaratri only!
    Aiooooo Hhahahahaha. Iam sorry I am getting incoherent now.
    Ghahahaha

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  13. ROFLMAO.. Was this amazing or was this amazing!

    Not much of a Potter fan but boy, this was hilarious! Superb!

    Cheers,
    Soumya

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  14. @ red: do u actually laugh 'gahahahaha' in real life too???
    thanks buddy :)

    @ soumya: welcome. and thank you :)

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  15. Aiyyo! Harry Potter ka kachra? tch tch! I may avada kedavara you, but, I'm not shiv sena, that I'll go around hitting people. But this was fun. That's an understatement. Dude, it was fucking awesome. Believe me, I don't use "fucking" that much, but when I do, I fucking mean it! :P
    Awesome dude! It was hilarious! :D :D

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  16. ha ha ha ha!!! are you a harry potter fan?? this post is hilarious.. but I am a bit unhappy coz I love harry potter.. then again.. nice imagination.. really liked some lines.. :) :)

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  17. As a Harry Potter fan I should be hating you for this. But it was totally rofl-material. Especially the part about Voldy going kinky :D

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  18. @ paanipuri lover : thank u :) wish i cud show wat u've written to shiv sena members. "I'm not shiv sena, that I'll go around hitting people"
    :D

    @ arpita: well i like harry potter. wont call myself a fan as such. its good. i was long wantin to write a spoof on it.
    thank you :)

    @ destiny's child: thank you :) i really feel voldy badly needs to get laid.

    @ ranting indian: thanks buddy :)

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  19. Haan Haan! And then Shiv Sena would've come behind me! :P :D
    Tum toh bach liye babu! :P :P

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  20. hhahahaha this was superb!!

    "I m harry porter and everything happen only with me" rofl!

    Loved the mumbai tadka you gave to this story! Specially Pratibha patil saying Harry's parents came to mumbai every diwali :D :D

    Awesome awesome! I m sharing this on facebook and yes following you right away!

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  21. @ maithili: thank you so much buddy :)

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  22. Duuude! Thats the most hilarious thing i've read in a looong time! had me clutching my stomach laughing! Your sense of humor needs a round of applause :D:D

    n btw, snake penis? EEEWWH! :P

    Voldemort isnt a scary figure anymore, thanks to you...he might sue you for such defamation! :)

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  23. @ indu : thank you sooooo much :)
    and ya i never found him scary. i always found him funny, especially with that nose. poor chap he is. :)

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  24. Hahahhahaah!!! Hornius Erectum! :| :D "I've had a Kedavara!" You are geniusssss! :P :D

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  25. Hahahahahahahaha damn funny :P
    But I hate you for this too. I love Harry Potter. And Shah Rukh Khan. But this post = awesomeness. :D

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  26. This is just what I was looking for. I was not expecting that I'd get so much out of reading your write up! You've just earned yourself a returning visitor :)

    http://www.thebeautyinsiders.com/dermapril.html

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  27. For a die-hard HP fan like me, this post comes as a shock!!! But I love spoofs and this is just hilarious!!!

    http://myspace-ss.blogspot.com/

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  28. Snake penis ! hahhhahahahhahahha :P !!!! and Kaku who lived , dude :D ! *bows head in respect* !

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  29. Man, this one was HILARIOUS! Seriously! My tummy's still aching!! I mean, the whole thing about Voldy going horny over his little snakelike weenies?! Dude, this was simply uproarious! I am still laughing :P :D
    Also, Voldy getting buffed up to become Kancha?! Fuck!
    Being a die hard HP fan, this is the first time I am actually laughing at it's insult!

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