This blog had started with a humble post about my dream encounter with the most divine deity of the modern world, God Google. (You can read it here) But recently I had another encounter, with the most sacrosanct, the most heavenly, the most awe striking thing ever. No I’m not talking about Scarlett Johansson’s breasts. I am talking about the Almighty, The God!
So there I was, making my morning poop whilst reading the newspaper, when suddenly my phone beeped. It was a WhatsApp chat message from a friend.
Good Morning : ) : ) : ) : )
Jagjit Singh died. : (
I was amazed! I was gobsmacked! I was staggered! I was flabbergasted!
Then I realized all those adjectives were majorly used to describe surprises of the good, happy kind.
Then, I was shocked!
I belong to the happy, mature and sane generation that grew up in the 90s, a beautiful period devoid of Pokemon and Hannah Montana. It was the time of Dexter’s Laboratory, Powerpuff Girls (I’m straight), Johnny Quest, Captain Planet, Swat Cats, Little Lulu Show, and other such wonderful cartoons, as opposed senseless crap like Shinchan. It was a time of Champak, Tinkle, Chacha Chowdhary, and Amar Chitra Katha, and not of Savita Bhabhi (although that wouldn’t have been so bad). It was a time when Justin Bieber used to sing in his/her mother’s womb, and Himesh Reshammiya used to sing never. This list could go on and on, but I would prefer writing a separate post on that.
What I want to say here is that it is very difficult to slowly realize that all those people who made life what it was so far, are exiting the stage, one by one. So the news of Jagjit Singh’s death came as a big shock. And most of us weren’t even over Steve Jobs’ death till then.
ME: Why God? Why are you doing this?
ME: I need answers God. You can’t just stay quiet all the time. YOU HAVE TO ANSWER ME!!!
*Poof* (God Appears)
ME: Hey whoa what the hell man! (Frantically covering lower area with newspaper) At least knock dude.
GOD: What is it?
ME: I need some answers.
GOD: Google them.
ME: No. I need them from you.
GOD: Hmph. Please be quick. I had to bloody stop watching Big Boss to come here and watch you poop.
ME: Big Boss?! It’s 8 in the morning.
GOD: I have the episodes on my laptop.
ME: Pfft! Loser.
GOD: Buddy, I hope you realize that it won’t take me one second to make that thing covered under the newspaper disappear.
ME: (Shit Scared) Heyyyy. Take it easy bro. I was just asking you who is the loser in Big Boss this time.
GOD: Bad cover up. Please ask whatever you want to and let me go. I can’t bear this stink.
ME: Hey c’mon it isn’t so bad.
GOD: Are you kidding me? It’s worse than a Chilean Mine. If I bring Jesus here, both his arms spread on the cross will fold in and cover his nose.
(I took offense)
GOD: Thank you.
ME: So what’s with you and killing awesome people these days? First Tiger Pataudi, then Steve Jobs and now Jagjit Singh. It’s like every morning I open the newspaper hoping no other good person should have passed away.
GOD: That’s the law of nature my friend. People come and people go. You can’t help it. It’s the cycle of life. Death is the biggest reality of life. Today these people die, tomorrow more will. Before you know it, everyone will be dead, the world will be over, and the only thing remaining in the universe would be the echoing sound of Himesh’s ‘oooooooo’
ME: (giggles) Good one.
(God and me hi-five)
ME: But you’re doing it too soon. And too fast. Take them, but slowly. Give a gap of at least six months between deaths of two awesome people.
GOD: It doesn’t happen that way Kalpak.
ME: Why not? I'm sure Rajnikant could do it. And you’re God. You are the most sacrosanct, the most heavenly, the most awe striking thing ever.
GOD: I’m not Scarlett Johansson’s breasts.
ME: You can do anything. You can take politicians if you so badly want to kill.
GOD: Oh so now you petty humans will tell me how to operate?
ME: Why do you have so much ego?
GOD: I don’t have ego.
ME: O yeah?! Then why we lost marks in English whenever we didn’t start writing your name and pronouns related to you with capital letters?
GOD: But you lost marks when you didn’t write ‘I’ in capital too. If you people give so much importance to yourself, don’t you think I deserve a little bit?
GOD: Don’t change the topic now.
ME: He He. So who’s going next?
GOD: That I can’t tell you. But let me ask you something. Who do you still wish was alive even today?
ME: Amrish Puri. I miss him.
GOD: (smiles) And who do you wish should never die?
ME: Well there are many in that list. A few names coming to my head right now are Dan Castellaneta – because if he dies, Homer Simpson dies; Neil Gaiman – he’s the best writer ever; Neil Patrick Harris – he’s awesome; AR Rahman and Sachin Tendulkar – because they’re better gods than you; Amitabh Bachchan - .
GOD: Hmmm. (interrupting me) Nice. But you do know they too are going to die some day or the other.
TAARIKH PE TAARIKH. TAARIKH PE TAARIKH. TAARIKH PE TAARIKH.
AGAR INKO KUCH HUA NA, WAAHE GURUJI DI SAU, GARDAN UKHAAD DUNGA!
GOD: That so didn’t fit. You’re lame.
ME: JO BOLEEEE SO NIHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!
GOD: (staring blankly)
ME: (composing myself)
GOD: Anything else you want to know?
ME: Well…I hate you. I have many complaints against you. I don’t think you’re doing your job well. You suck. So…..
ME: When I walk out of the loo, will I have all your powers? Will you make me Kalpak Almighty?
*Poof* (God disappears)
(And that, kids, was the story of How I Met God)
P. S.: Hoshwalon Ko Khabar Kya…has never gone off my playlist even once. And it never will. RIP Jagjit Singh.