Monday, October 17, 2011

CLASH OF THE TITANS PART 2


This blog had started with a humble post about my dream encounter with the most divine deity of the modern world, God Google. (You can read it here) But recently I had another encounter, with the most sacrosanct, the most heavenly, the most awe striking thing ever. No I’m not talking about Scarlett Johansson’s breasts. I am talking about the Almighty, The God!

*lightning*

So there I was, making my morning poop whilst reading the newspaper, when suddenly my phone beeped. It was a WhatsApp chat message from a friend.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Morning : )  : )  : )  : )
Jagjit Singh died. : (

I was amazed! I was gobsmacked! I was staggered! I was flabbergasted!

Then I realized all those adjectives were majorly used to describe surprises of the good, happy kind.

Then, I was shocked!

I belong to the happy, mature and sane generation that grew up in the 90s, a beautiful period devoid of Pokemon and Hannah Montana. It was the time of Dexter’s Laboratory, Powerpuff Girls (I’m straight), Johnny Quest, Captain Planet, Swat Cats, Little Lulu Show, and other such wonderful cartoons, as opposed senseless crap like Shinchan. It was a time of Champak, Tinkle, Chacha Chowdhary, and Amar Chitra Katha, and not of Savita Bhabhi (although that wouldn’t have been so bad). It was a time when Justin Bieber used to sing in his/her mother’s womb, and Himesh Reshammiya used to sing never. This list could go on and on, but I would prefer writing a separate post on that.

What I want to say here is that it is very difficult to slowly realize that all those people who made life what it was so far, are exiting the stage, one by one. So the news of Jagjit Singh’s death came as a big shock. And most of us weren’t even over Steve Jobs’ death till then.

ME: Why God? Why are you doing this?

*Silence*

ME: I need answers God. You can’t just stay quiet all the time. YOU HAVE TO ANSWER ME!!!

*Poof* (God Appears)

ME: Hey whoa what the hell man! (Frantically covering lower area with newspaper) At least knock dude.

GOD: What is it?

ME: I need some answers.

GOD: Google them.

ME: No. I need them from you.

GOD: Hmph. Please be quick. I had to bloody stop watching Big Boss to come here and watch you poop.

ME: Big Boss?! It’s 8 in the morning.

GOD: I have the episodes on my laptop.

ME: Pfft! Loser.

GOD: Buddy, I hope you realize that it won’t take me one second to make that thing covered under the newspaper disappear.

ME: (Shit Scared) Heyyyy. Take it easy bro. I was just asking you who is the loser in Big Boss this time.

GOD: Bad cover up. Please ask whatever you want to and let me go. I can’t bear this stink.

ME: Hey c’mon it isn’t so bad.

GOD: Are you kidding me? It’s worse than a Chilean Mine. If I bring Jesus here, both his arms spread on the cross will fold in and cover his nose.

(I took offense)

ME: (flush)

GOD: Thank you.

ME: So what’s with you and killing awesome people these days? First Tiger Pataudi, then Steve Jobs and now Jagjit Singh. It’s like every morning I open the newspaper hoping no other good person should have passed away.

GOD: That’s the law of nature my friend. People come and people go. You can’t help it. It’s the cycle of life. Death is the biggest reality of life. Today these people die, tomorrow more will. Before you know it, everyone will be dead, the world will be over, and the only thing remaining in the universe would be the echoing sound of Himesh’s ‘oooooooo’

ME: (giggles) Good one.

(God and me hi-five)

ME: But you’re doing it too soon. And too fast. Take them, but slowly. Give a gap of at least six months between deaths of two awesome people.

GOD: It doesn’t happen that way Kalpak.

ME: Why not? I'm sure Rajnikant could do it. And you’re God. You are the most sacrosanct, the most heavenly, the most awe striking thing ever.

GOD: I’m not Scarlett Johansson’s breasts.

ME: You can do anything. You can take politicians if you so badly want to kill.

GOD: Oh so now you petty humans will tell me how to operate?

ME: Why do you have so much ego?

GOD: I don’t have ego.

ME: O yeah?! Then why we lost marks in English whenever we didn’t start writing your name and pronouns related to you with capital letters?

GOD: But you lost marks when you didn’t write ‘I’ in capital too. If you people give so much importance to yourself, don’t you think I deserve a little bit?

ME: (farts)

GOD: Don’t change the topic now.

ME: He He. So who’s going next?

GOD: That I can’t tell you. But let me ask you something. Who do you still wish was alive even today?

ME: Amrish Puri. I miss him.

GOD: (smiles) And who do you wish should never die?

ME: Well there are many in that list. A few names coming to my head right now are Dan Castellaneta – because if he dies, Homer Simpson dies; Neil Gaiman – he’s the best writer ever; Neil Patrick Harris – he’s awesome; AR Rahman and Sachin Tendulkar – because they’re better gods than you; Amitabh Bachchan - .

GOD: Hmmm. (interrupting me) Nice. But you do know they too are going to die some day or the other.

ME: OOOOYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
TAARIKH PE TAARIKH. TAARIKH PE TAARIKH. TAARIKH PE TAARIKH.
AGAR INKO KUCH HUA NA, WAAHE GURUJI DI SAU, GARDAN UKHAAD DUNGA!

GOD: That so didn’t fit. You’re lame.

ME: JO BOLEEEE SO NIHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!

GOD: (staring blankly)

ME: (composing myself)

GOD: Anything else you want to know?

ME: Well…I hate you. I have many complaints against you. I don’t think you’re doing your job well. You suck. So…..

GOD: So…?

ME: When I walk out of the loo, will I have all your powers? Will you make me Kalpak Almighty?

GOD: Ghanta.

*Poof* (God disappears)

(And that, kids, was the story of How I Met God)

P. S.: Hoshwalon Ko Khabar Kya…has never gone off my playlist even once. And it never will. RIP Jagjit Singh.

32 comments:

  1. I know there's no need for a comment here, but then I'm 6th on your top commenter!!!! Aaaaahhhh! Gotta.be.in.top.five.

    This post is really awesome!! :D Considering all the HIMYM related jokes, you have to admit it's better than Friends!

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  2. brilliant stuff !!!!

    *clap*clap*clap*

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  3. @ loony : what top five? u have to be number one.

    @ vaishnavi : thank you :) although i personally feel this post was that good. :)

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  4. Too many potty-shots you're taking at Himi, ok! Hmmpph!

    I can imagine God saying 'Ghanta!!'

    And Kalpak Almighty just doesn't have a ring to it. Tch tch.

    Oh and awesome pun at 'Shit Scared'.
    :D :D :D :D
    But don't take anymore potty-shots at Himi Ok!!

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  6. What's with you and your poop being dragged into the posts :P .. heheh btw great read.. full on tp :D.. Oh and Hoshwalon Ko Khabar is and will remain one of my fav songs :) ... RIP Jagjit Singh...

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  7. ROFL and ew! :P I really do miss Powerpuff girls and Dexter's lab! :( *sigh*

    And LOL @ "Shit scared" XD

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  8. a kp..you stole the pfft expression from me..
    Grrr..plagiarism :|
    nice post vaise..:):):)
    you knew my reaction beforehand only na :p
    and sorry for commenting so late..
    Well you know the story.. :/
    cheers !

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  9. You poop-obessed soul!!! How do you manage to be this funny yet be jobless and girless dude? How come not Pam's boobs, the bigger the better right :P...I hope God doens't have to endure your stench any more...next time he comes ask him to come visit me, he's been MIA on my space way too long!!!

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  10. Dude..get out of your loo for once.I mean your post are increasingly getting poop-centric.

    Ignoring the poop details, It was super funny.I loved the English paper remark.You have some imagination!! Flush out the poop though!!!

    My world,my thoughts,my musings...

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  11. :D OMG man. I'm tired of laughing at you and your posts. I really am. I really really am done laughing. You're responsible for my roomies thinking that I've gone round the bend, man - I'm looking at the laptop's screen and laughing like a fucking maniac:D Damn DINOSAUR you are (for lack of a better word:P)

    Aren't Jessica Alba's better?
    How can you fart at God?
    Do you realise He saw your erm thing when He made you?
    Jo bole so nihaal? Like really?:D
    GHANTA?!

    And *sigh* 90's was an BLOODY awesome place to grow up in.

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  12. great post dude :) will miss steve jobs and jagjit singhwhy cant god take sibbat ang digvijay singh instead

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  13. KALPAK...do you you were accusing GOD of being heartless when he made you THIS SPECIAL????He brought you to us to make our world a more creepily better place to laff our ass off! you are our 'poopy' angel! :P

    so please! PRAY TO HIM *once you clean urself and get out of ur toilet that is*

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  14. You Hi-fied god without washing hands.... You gonna die soon man!!! :P

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  15. Kalpak, even I want to ask so many questions to God. BTW, what's with Sunny Doel spirit. Are you his fan??? Hilarious post and hope you washed your hands before typing this post...

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  16. @ divya (spaceman): whats d harm in takin pot shots at a shitty person? :D Thank you. :)

    @ confused soul: thank u :)

    @ dawnzhang: seriously man. :) i miss lulu d most

    @ aditi (meow): :) thanks

    @ skinny dragon: how do i manage to be girlless is d question i ask myself every time im single :) and yeah bigger are better but to a certain limit. pamela's are more like punching bags. no fun.

    @ upasana: i know poop humor is gettin too much na? thank u :)

    @ peevee: thank u so much :) and jessica's whole body is better than scarlett's. but if u jus look at boobs then scarlett's are better. :)

    @ manic hunter: so true man

    @ akila: poopy angel. hmmmmm...cool nick name. thanks :)

    @ anonymous: Reveal-eth Thyself, O Anonymous.

    @ saru: im a die hard fan of sunny deol. no better cheerin up than watchin him dance :)

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  17. Hahaha!! highlights - "Ghanta", Hi-five and the newspaper thingy - first time here - am here to stalk!

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  18. Oh My goodness.... That was one bloody hillarious post... I have always not wanted anyone giving me apparitions while am doing my business... and this one was a bolt from the blue...:P

    Next time, 'unse' jab miloge, agar haath saaf hai toh, mere taraf se ek chapet laga dena :P

    Following you :D

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  19. @ nirvana: thank you :)

    @ anjli: u want me to slap god??!! with pleasure :D
    thanks :)

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  20. Brilliant post. I am new here but now I ll make sure I read every post. :]

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  21. I read this yesterday, but my phone did not allow me to comment and i had an exam today, so you know! I logged in now and hence the BEING LATE part! Sorry :)

    WHY AM I NOT THIS WITTY. You know after i read this post, i did not feel like appreciating you. You know why? coz i am a bitch and i got jealous. I got jealous coz my brain cannot think f things whih can be this funny. Humour makes you smile but this made me laugh like a hyena, and hence this jealousy!

    Next time call GOD when you ar ein the proper setting with proper clothes on you.
    and this God is too cool man. GHANTA!!

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  22. Dude this is an awesome piece. Loved it :D

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  23. DUDE!!! If I ever meet you, there is no need for GOD to make your 'thing' vanish!!! I'm not skinny....you are soooooooooo on top of my hit list!!!

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  24. @ rachana: thank you :)

    @ nia charms: thanks. be my guest :)

    @ red handed: thanks for one of the bestest feel good comments i've received so far :)

    @ vijay : thanks man :)

    @ skinny dragon: arre its too boring to type the whole '@ the dragon in the skin of a goat'. skinny dragon is a nice short version. :D

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  25. I LOL-ed at Taarikh pe taarikh..:D Not like I wasn't throughout the post.

    But seriously, why is HE taking away all the awesome people? :X

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  26. my god-am i glad i landed here...this was the best remembrance ever that Jagjit Singh could have asked for...absolutely washed n sparkling with humour and all dolled up with wit-ekdum jaise fresh out of your washroom...:-)

    and the "ghanta" in the end took the cake!;-)
    following you closely and sharing this now:-)

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  27. @ Destiny's child: aah thank you so much. i was since long feeling that that sunny deol part seemed desperate humor :)

    @ suruchi: thank u so much :)

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  28. Doooooode! I totally dig your blog! stumbled upon it, randomly! And I have been reading all your posts for the past hour! They're awesome! write more frequently! :D

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  29. @ paanipuri lover: thank you so much. :)

    and u better stop loving paani puri. its not gonna work out. she's just mine.

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  30. The Conv between you and the God....Wah!!!! Superb...!!!

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