Harry and Hermione ran the fastest. Ron was trying to catch up, and Harry and Hermione had to slow down at places to wait for Ron. It wasn’t a Death Eater or a Dementor this time. The Dark Lord himself was chasing them.
“I will kill you Harry Potter,” hissed Voldemort, as he kept casting Avada Kedavra’s at them repeatedly. But he missed everytime. ‘Damn these snake eyes,’ he thought to himself.
Whilst they ran for their lives, Harry and Hermione spotted an object atop a hillock at a distance. “Portkey!” they both exclaimed in unison, and cued Ron to follow them, as they sprinted towards the Portkey.
As they reached, they saw that it was a toy; an action figure toy of a super hero. The face of that toy looked wrinkled and old, and the costume was blue and silver, with blue spark effects, and the whole toy looked like a gay person. At the back of the toy was written ‘G.One’.
“Damn Bollywood marketing,” exclaimed Ron.
“Isn’t this the Indian actor who can spread his arms really wide?” asked Harry.
“Yup. That’s him,” confirmed Ron.
“Are you sure this gay looking toy is a Portkey Harry?” Hermione asked.
“I’m sure. I can sense the Portus charm has been cast upon it.”
“How can you sense a charm Harry?” asked an astonished Ron.
“Dude, I’m The Harry Potter. I can do anything, and everything happens only with me. So just trust me here okay?”
“If you say so Harry.”
As their hands were moving forward to grab the G.One doll, Voldemort apparated in front of them. He had suddenly realized that he could apparate, and was being dumb in chasing them. And before they could react to the situation, all four of them had touched the Portkey.
Thousands of miles away, in the city of Mumbai, they four appeared.
They all got scared. It was a very weird place. There was a huge crowd surrounding them, and loud music played at ear-fuck levels. The crowd around them was going around in circles, clapping their palms together synchronously on the music being played. Few people in the crowd, it seemed, were merrily fighting by clanking wooden sticks together.
As their eyes scanned the whole place, Hermione finally saw it. There was a large hoarding which said ‘Navratri Dandiya Mahotsav’
“Where are we?” exclaimed a visibly scared Voldemort. He had the perfect chance now to end Harry’s life, but he wasn’t going to. He knew he’d need someone with him in that scary place, where people were celebrating this bizarre ritual.
Everyone around them was heavily dressed. The men were wearing long colorful robes, and the women were wearing skirts and blouses. A big bulge took shape in Voldemort’s cloak as he saw a few girls with backless blouses.
“Duuuuuude!,” Harry pointed, as Ron and Hermione joined in the laughter.
“You little kids know nothing about magic. It’s a charm I’m practicing.”
“Oh yeah right. What do you call it? Hornius Erectum?” commented Hermione, as they all burst out laughing harder.
“You need to get laid Voldemort,” said Harry, “and with an actual woman. Stop fucking Nagini.”
This resulted in an uproar of laughter, resulting in Voldemort feeling insulted and walking away.
Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way out of that Garba Raas, and entered the car parking lot. There, inside most cars, they saw couples in various stages of undressing and various positions of sex. That is when they understood the true meaning of Navratri.
Outside one car, they saw the bodies of a boy and a girl, screaming in terrible pain.
“Someone has cast the Cruciatus curse on these muggles,” Hermione reckoned.
As they peeked inside the car, the saw a skinny man covered in a black cloak, shaking mildly. It was Voldemort. He was masturbating. And as he did that, he was making a weird noise. ‘Aaahhsss… anak su-na-moon… p s balasubramaniam… sufferin succotash’
“Ewwwwwwww. Snake Penis,” they all exclaimed aloud.
Voldemort suddenly got aware of their presence and apparated.
“What was he saying Harry?” asked Ron.
“That was Parselmouth for ‘yeah baby this feels so nice’” translated an embarrassed Harry.
As they walked, Harry saw a wooden stick lying on the ground. It was similar to what muggles were using to play Dandiya.
“Is this The Elder Wand?” Harry wondered aloud.
“Buddha Hoga Tera Baap. I am the younger wand. Yo!” the wand replied.
Harry recklessly threw it away.
“So what now? Where do we go?” Hermione asked.
“I know,” said Ron, as he took out a cell phone. That was a muggle communicating device that his father was really fond of. He instantly called up Parvati Patil, who he knew stayed in Mumbai. He explained the whole situation to her, and she invited them over to her place.
Harry, Ron and Hermione spent the next one month at the Patil’s residence, with Parvati and Padma. Staying in Mumbai made them acquainted with political parties like Shiv Sena and MNS, and that is when they understood the real reason why Rowling chose Marathi Indian characters. She didn’t want her book banned in Maharashtra.
Parvati and Padma’s mother, Mrs. Pratibha Patil, was more than delighted to have Harry over. She told him how their family was always close to James and Lily Potter, and how James and Lily came down to Mumbai every year during Diwali.
Once, during Diwali, while enjoying the muggle device called TV, they chanced upon the trailer of the new Agneepath movie, starring Hrithik Roshan and Sanjay Dutt. That is when they found out that Voldemort had bulked up in between and acted as a villain in that Bollywood movie.
While they saw TV, Parvati felt like taking a leak, and she went to the bathroom. Right before she was about to open the bathroom door, she heard a weird noise coming from inside.
She knew this voice. She knew it was Parselmouth. And since Harry was out watching TV, that could only mean one thing.
She rushed back and told the others that You-Know-Who was in her bathroom. All of them, wands drawn, went to the bathroom, led by Harry. They pressed their ears against the bathroom door, and heard a noise coming from inside.
Sun saiba sun… savita bhabhi… ai ai ya suku suku… sala sutiya
“It’s him,” Harry whispered to the others. “He’s shagging again.”
And then, Harry got an idea.
“Knock Knock!,” said Harry aloud.
“Who’s there?” Voldemort replied.
“I’ve had a…”
“You’ve had a what?”
“I’ve had a Kedavra!” yelled Harry as he burst open the door and pointed his wand at Voldemort.
And there, right in front of their eyes, lay the Dark Lord, dead. But for someone who lived such a terrifying life and was known as the darkest wizard of all times, dying with one hand grabbing his non-erect dick didn’t make a good picture.
“Kids,” Parvati and Padma’s mother spoke, “there’s something you must know.”
They all sat near the fireplace, surrounding Mrs. Patil. “You know Harry, that whole story of Voldemort coming to kill you and killing you parents and leaving a scar on your forehead…”
“Yes Mrs. Patil,” said Harry.
“…is bullshit. The truth is, like every year, your mom dad had come down to Mumbai with you one Diwali. That year, Voldy was here too, celebrating. He loved rockets. And one day, as he was firing a rocket, the bottle fell. That rocket flew right into our house, and right to your face, leaving your forehead scarred for life.
“Voldemort couldn’t stand such an embarrassing incident being associated with him, The Dark Lord. So he cooked up the whole story as you know it. He killed your parents because only they knew the truth. I know all this, as when it happened, I was making puris in the kitchen. Voldy wasn’t aware of my presence, and that’s why I live till this day to tell you the truth. So originally, I am The-Kaku*-Who-Lived”
A tumult of emotions stirred inside Harry. As he was lost in thoughts, a misfired rocket entered the Patil house and hit Harry on his forehead. There was a throbbing pain in his scar. Everyone rushed to his help.
“Harry,” Hermione gasped.
“That rocket formed another scar, and both the scars now form an x. It looks like the logo of that Navratri Dandiya Mahotsav on your forehead.”
They all shared a hearty laughter over Harry’s new stupid look. “Ek toh phursht only he looks like Jushtin Bieber, upar se this, Poor chap,” said Parvati, in her signature vernacular style.
(Parvati’s mother also later solved the mystery of why the portkey didn’t function properly and transported them to Mumbai. It was Made in China.)
The scar then never pained Harry ever. All was well. (Although he had to visit a plastic surgeon to remove those scars on Ginny’s insistence.)
* Kaku is Marathi for aunties who look like crows.