Thursday, September 29, 2011

FACEBOOK SPECIES


So Google turned thirteen recently. By now it must have started growing boobs and getting periods, you know all the puberty related hormonal changes. (I’m assuming Google is a female because it starts interrupting me and guessing what I’m about to say even before I’ve finished, and it never gives me one straight answer to a question)

Going by how Google commemorates great people by making a doodle for them, I have a new aim in life. After I die, Google should make a doodle on my birthday every year. (24th March, just in case anyone decides to give gifts or something. I’ll give you my address too if you want. I’m very cooperative that way.)

It is a sad but true fact that we live in times where a social networking site has become an indispensable part of everyone’s lives (so much so that when you ask someone to choose between death and deleting Facebook account, they actually take a pause to think) and where a revolutionary cellular network technology is touted as a birth control measure.

Facebook is nothing but Wannabe-Land. Everyone on that site is someone they want to be, and not someone they are (I’m not saying that I’m not included in that someone.)

And based on my observations of the Wannabe-Land, I have concluded that all the people on Facebook can be categorized into the following species:

1) IRRITATINGUS CHATTINGUS:

We had already forgotten about them, but they hadn’t. These species generally belong to your past (school, in most cases), and you consider them as important as News Headlines mentioning Rakhi Sawant. This is the reason why you never searched them on Facebook ever. But they did. And they found you. And they added you. And now you have to add them back. But it doesn’t just end there. These species also want to chat!

2) IRRITATINGUS BHIKHARIUS:

This specie belongs to the Irritatingus Chattingus family. These are the people that upload a new profile pic, in which they think they’re looking better. Then out of the blue they tell you ‘Hey’. And then, skipping all small talk, they come to the point, and start pestering you to like and comment on their pics.

3) ROMANCIO CHEESIUS:

We all know them. We all have at least one of their kind in our friends list, infesting our walls with their mushy statuses for each other. Their statuses, their photos, their profile pics, everything ooze of extreme show off of their relationships. I hope they all break up some day. Or worse, their moms make an account.

At times, all of us feel like permanently removing all notifications from such people. You know that ‘Hide All Posts’ option. But we don’t, in the sheer hope that someday this specie will upload a smooching pic, that we can gossip about, and it will all be worth it.

4) ROMANCIO CHEESIUS – JOBLESS FRIENDUS:

This specie is from the Romancio Cheesius family. These are the friends of such couples, who like and comment on their statuses and pics. I hope they break up someday too.

5) NO SELF-RESPECTUS:

They like their own status.

6) COPIUS PASTIUS:

This specie has two types. One is generally feminine, that irritates the shit out of sane people like me by copy-pasting the cheesiest and the most clich├ęd quotes on love and friendship as their status. The other is masculine. The masculine species work hard. They devote a lot of time to find out an awesome, albeit never heard of, and generally funny quote, on Google, and copy paste that on their wall. And then they smugly await the comments from dumb bimbos who actually think they’ve come up with that status on their own.

I have a treatment for the masculine species. Whenever you see a status that’s too cool for the guy who’s put it, just search the whole thing in Google. If you find it, just read another cool quote on that same web page. And then comment on that guy’s status:

Ha Ha Ha. This one’s funny. I found another one in the same website where you found this (Copy Paste the other funny quote here)

Doing this would make you fall under the ‘SADISTIC ARE-US’ species.

7) IDIO-STUPIDUS:

These people believe in each and every chain status update*, and keep copy pasting the same.

*Chain Status Update Example: Dear Friends. Facebook has lost its mind. It is going crazy, running naked on the streets with a long stick and poking people. If you do not want Facebook to secretly come and circumcise you while you’re sleeping, then copy-paste this as your status update, and Facebook will kill mosquitoes in your room with the Chinese electric racket free for one year.

8) LIKUS EVERYTHINGUS:

This specie will click on the like button of each and every page possible. You constantly keep seeing that the person liked some movie, or some song, or some book. From Masterchef Australia to Masturbate Afghanistan, they like everything under the sun, even things that are absolutely meaningless to everyone, like that Amplifier song.

9) HOTIO CHICKUS:

These are the hot/ good looking chicks on FB, whose profiles show only their name and their profile pics. All other information, including the ‘Add Friend’ button, are better hidden than the secrets of Area 51.

10) HOTIO CHICKUS – WANNABEUS:

These are those average-looking girls who somehow are photogenic. People consider them to be good looking on the basis of their albums, until they see them in real.

This specie also includes the fat but decent looking girls, all of whose profile pics would be strictly above the neck.

Well, these are the only species I could think of for now. If you know more, feel free to write in the comments. If yours turn out to be funnier than mine, I shall delete that comment. Don’t behave like Irritatingus Chattingus then.

In fact, I hope all you readers fall under least one of these species and get offended, as that will finally give me the opportunity to use the divine phrase, ‘Mind It!’

29 comments:

  1. HILARIOUS as always!!!!I loved the chain status updates.Its super funny!!! I loved the specie names as well!!

    Awesome post!!

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  2. kp..how much ever i try i dont think i can never remain miffed with you..lol..this post is just awesome..aaaaan..that romanticus thingi reminded me of our chat the other day..you stole my idea..grrrrrrr..pay me royalty now..
    I was laughin throughout the post..haha..
    lurrrrrrrrrvvvvvvv yaaaaa.. :D
    XOXO :p :p :p

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  3. Lol..recently thr was a chain status about Facebook charging every account holder and if u copypaste this as status from today midnight u will be the free account holder and fb wont chanrge you. I was like wtf!!
    Nice post!

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  4. There's also Irritatingus Taggingus-in-every-damn-thing. Pics of tomato rice, of their niece, of that road who nobody knows where it is, of flowers, their wedding pics, of some work they're doing that we have no interest in, of their nani, mama ki beti.

    Now you know why I deactivated my account?

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  5. And Google is also a girl because it remembers every damn thing you've done in the past.

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  6. Superb post to say the least. And I dono which category I belong to. Also fb is blocked at my office. So I end up spending less than 30mins per day on fb. There's another category which can be called Simplus Stalkerus. They do nothing but stalk on other ppl. Send frnd requests to ppl who have a mutual frnd whom u added b'coz he/she had a mutual frnd who was a frnd of a frnd of urs.;-)
    Rummage through all the pics of all the chicks who have not yet set their Privacy settings well.;-)
    Join a random group and like or comment on a comment or post of a random chick and try to hit on her..;-)

    In the beginning fb was like Jolie, Simple, Sleek n Stylish. Now its like an Average Indian aunty, well I need not explain, U know how they are..;p

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  7. Lol please put that chain status update example up on Facebook. That is one chain status I would gladly post :p Very well written. I loved the "SADISTIC ARE-US"!

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  8. This was just toooooooo funny! Loved it! :-)

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  9. @ upasana: thank u thank u thank u :)

    @ aditi (meoww): its a well known fact that such species exist. jus cos u said it first doesnt mean u had d idea first. a little kid, centuries ago, must have asked his ma, 'Ma, why does su su go down and not up?'. This doesnt mean he had the idea about gravity before Newton. Huh!
    Thanks btw :)

    @ Red Handed: it was precisely that very status that inspired me to write about chain statuses here
    thank you. :)

    @ divya (spaceman spiff) : aah...some really nice additions to the post. thank you :)

    @ kanthu : buddy, its a hard to digest fact, but 99% of the people on FB fall under simplus stalkerus. the rest one percent are those who stalk on orkut. and no FB in office? what page to you brainlessly and blankly keep refreshing the whole day then?? :D
    thanks man.

    @ Shivani : cool...i'll do that. but then u better comment. I'm irritatingus bhikharius u know :)

    @ aakanksha : thank you so much buddy :)

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  10. "Facebook will kill mosquitoes in your room with the Chinese electric racket free for one year" Hahahahaha!!

    The names of the species are hilarious! Loved them all!

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  11. Ooh encountered every single species..and they suck.. I bet I fall in the NORMALIUS SANEUS species.. :D

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  12. @ Loony : thanks. huh. ;-)

    @ confused soul : thank you, for this and every other comment on my blog made by you. till yday i hadnt even come across ur profile or ur blog and today ur d highest commenter here. thank you so much :)

    and btw...people fallin under Normalius Saneus species do not have an FB account. :-D

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  13. I am sick of 4,5 and 6 and I am so over facebook >:< more so because of the categories I just mentioned. And there is this one more kind, who judges you based on what you update, wear and talk >:< pyschos...

    Cheers, a fun post :)
    Chintan

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  14. FB sucks but as you said, whenever, I thought of deleting it, I paused...:) Hilarious post, loved it. Please correct the numbering dear, two times two!!!

    Saru

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  15. :D All of us have the same issues with FB...
    I wrote one like this a couple of months back but I have to admit I haven't done half as much justice to it as you have:D

    Sadistic Are Us:P EPIC!!

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  16. Ohh they do have an FB account..but they def don't fall into any other category :P. .. and ooh I didn't know your blog till I read Spaceman Spiff's post about you..and then I instantly loved it :D .. your most welcome btw! :)

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  17. hahahaaa... its a nice list Kalpak. Loved the 4th one, NO SELF-RESPECTUS! Agree that it increases the pseudo intellectuals where they copy paste cool quotes from websites and respond as if they've come up with it!!

    Cheers,
    Anand
    Life's like that

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  18. I was so annoyed with the whole social networking thing, that I did delete my facebook account and I have no plans of getting back on it! :D

    It feels good not having to log in and then see stupid friend requests and chain messages!

    There are also these really annoying people who keep going for the quizzes and then spamming our walls. And the ones who keep tagging us in stupid pictures.

    And yes, the girls who pose so ridiculously and put up their pictures. And when jobless guys ad them, they go about on how guys have nothing on the earth to do!

    Social networking is indeed a havoc. I'm glad I'm out of it :D

    Great post!
    The Google part. haha! :D You're funny!
    Take Care :)

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  19. FUNNY!! I loved. :D

    I am a new kind right now. I now "unsubscribe from name" the minute name puts up an annoying enough update. :P :P Its awesome :P

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  20. @ chintan, saru, peevee, confused soul, anand, philo and srinidhi : agreed. and thank you :)

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  21. Hilarious, loved reading it. And probably, this post SAYS everything, why I don't have a Facebook account, damn it, I am privileged not to have one, it feels. :P

    Shared it on twitter instantly after reading it.

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  22. awesome post :) ROMANCIO CHEESIUS are the most annoying. I hope they all break up one day!

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  23. Hmm suddenly everybody is anti-FB just when I wanted to lambast it and reduce it to ashes...I don't have an account(one of the saner ones) but I get the drift :D. BTW do you realize that you just agreed that women are helpful,versatile,friendly and knowledgeable; You know the comparison with Google ;)...Sarcasm galore I likey likey :)

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  24. aaah...good come-back dragon..good come-back. :)

    thank you :D

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  25. loved it, was plannin to write something on the same lines but i post my blog links on fb too ;)

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  26. i liked the NO-SELF RESPECTUS....it takes a great deal of "NO SELF ESTEEM" to click the LIKE button for ur own updates....or they are just too happy about themselves.

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  27. ROFL...Super cool post!!! You are a keen observer I guess!! And I shamelessly declare that I belong to the "NO SELF-RESPECTUS" and "LIKUS EVERYTHINGUS" categories!!! :):):)

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  28. HAhaha! lovely! Really true...these species do exist...well i am not very sure abt my category of an FB user as I'm not so frequent...Or say it as Userus Infrequentus!
    I loved the naming...its really a fun to read ur posts!
    Well done!

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