Thursday, September 29, 2011

FACEBOOK SPECIES


So Google turned thirteen recently. By now it must have started growing boobs and getting periods, you know all the puberty related hormonal changes. (I’m assuming Google is a female because it starts interrupting me and guessing what I’m about to say even before I’ve finished, and it never gives me one straight answer to a question)

Going by how Google commemorates great people by making a doodle for them, I have a new aim in life. After I die, Google should make a doodle on my birthday every year. (24th March, just in case anyone decides to give gifts or something. I’ll give you my address too if you want. I’m very cooperative that way.)

It is a sad but true fact that we live in times where a social networking site has become an indispensable part of everyone’s lives (so much so that when you ask someone to choose between death and deleting Facebook account, they actually take a pause to think) and where a revolutionary cellular network technology is touted as a birth control measure.

Facebook is nothing but Wannabe-Land. Everyone on that site is someone they want to be, and not someone they are (I’m not saying that I’m not included in that someone.)

And based on my observations of the Wannabe-Land, I have concluded that all the people on Facebook can be categorized into the following species:

1) IRRITATINGUS CHATTINGUS:

We had already forgotten about them, but they hadn’t. These species generally belong to your past (school, in most cases), and you consider them as important as News Headlines mentioning Rakhi Sawant. This is the reason why you never searched them on Facebook ever. But they did. And they found you. And they added you. And now you have to add them back. But it doesn’t just end there. These species also want to chat!

2) IRRITATINGUS BHIKHARIUS:

This specie belongs to the Irritatingus Chattingus family. These are the people that upload a new profile pic, in which they think they’re looking better. Then out of the blue they tell you ‘Hey’. And then, skipping all small talk, they come to the point, and start pestering you to like and comment on their pics.

3) ROMANCIO CHEESIUS:

We all know them. We all have at least one of their kind in our friends list, infesting our walls with their mushy statuses for each other. Their statuses, their photos, their profile pics, everything ooze of extreme show off of their relationships. I hope they all break up some day. Or worse, their moms make an account.

At times, all of us feel like permanently removing all notifications from such people. You know that ‘Hide All Posts’ option. But we don’t, in the sheer hope that someday this specie will upload a smooching pic, that we can gossip about, and it will all be worth it.

4) ROMANCIO CHEESIUS – JOBLESS FRIENDUS:

This specie is from the Romancio Cheesius family. These are the friends of such couples, who like and comment on their statuses and pics. I hope they break up someday too.

5) NO SELF-RESPECTUS:

They like their own status.

6) COPIUS PASTIUS:

This specie has two types. One is generally feminine, that irritates the shit out of sane people like me by copy-pasting the cheesiest and the most clichéd quotes on love and friendship as their status. The other is masculine. The masculine species work hard. They devote a lot of time to find out an awesome, albeit never heard of, and generally funny quote, on Google, and copy paste that on their wall. And then they smugly await the comments from dumb bimbos who actually think they’ve come up with that status on their own.

I have a treatment for the masculine species. Whenever you see a status that’s too cool for the guy who’s put it, just search the whole thing in Google. If you find it, just read another cool quote on that same web page. And then comment on that guy’s status:

Ha Ha Ha. This one’s funny. I found another one in the same website where you found this (Copy Paste the other funny quote here)

Doing this would make you fall under the ‘SADISTIC ARE-US’ species.

7) IDIO-STUPIDUS:

These people believe in each and every chain status update*, and keep copy pasting the same.

*Chain Status Update Example: Dear Friends. Facebook has lost its mind. It is going crazy, running naked on the streets with a long stick and poking people. If you do not want Facebook to secretly come and circumcise you while you’re sleeping, then copy-paste this as your status update, and Facebook will kill mosquitoes in your room with the Chinese electric racket free for one year.

8) LIKUS EVERYTHINGUS:

This specie will click on the like button of each and every page possible. You constantly keep seeing that the person liked some movie, or some song, or some book. From Masterchef Australia to Masturbate Afghanistan, they like everything under the sun, even things that are absolutely meaningless to everyone, like that Amplifier song.

9) HOTIO CHICKUS:

These are the hot/ good looking chicks on FB, whose profiles show only their name and their profile pics. All other information, including the ‘Add Friend’ button, are better hidden than the secrets of Area 51.

10) HOTIO CHICKUS – WANNABEUS:

These are those average-looking girls who somehow are photogenic. People consider them to be good looking on the basis of their albums, until they see them in real.

This specie also includes the fat but decent looking girls, all of whose profile pics would be strictly above the neck.

Well, these are the only species I could think of for now. If you know more, feel free to write in the comments. If yours turn out to be funnier than mine, I shall delete that comment. Don’t behave like Irritatingus Chattingus then.

In fact, I hope all you readers fall under least one of these species and get offended, as that will finally give me the opportunity to use the divine phrase, ‘Mind It!’

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

RANDOM THOUGHTS


Before I commence with this post, I would like to thank Divya (Spaceman Spiff) and Sneha (Loony). These are two of my fellow bloggers turned blogger friends turned great friends, and they have been highly instrumental in promoting my blog. While Divya wrote a whole post dedicated to me and my blog (click here to read it), Sneha shared my blogpost on her FB page. I genuinely thank the two of you, and at the same time would like to inform my readers that both these mallu chicks are amazing writers. And trust me I’m not just saying this to return the favor.

In fact, just a few days back we three were having a chat on FB in the ‘comments’ section of the link of my last post that Sneha had shared on her FB page. The chat, I clearly remember, went something like this:

Sneha: Oh Kalpak, you’re so damn hot. You make me go weak in my knees. I’m so thankful to this blogging world for helping me come across such a sexy hunk.

Divya: Shut up you bitch. Kalpak don’t listen to her. She likes to flatter every guy. But trust me I really find you super hot. I wish I was single and we were in the same city.

Sneha: Get lost. You are the bitch. Kalpak I love you more than her

Divya: No kalpak I love you. Trust me. I would never lie.

Yup. This was pretty much the gist of the whole conversation.

NOTE : Dear readers, the chat went exactly, word-to-word, as I have mentioned here. Any comment in this post by Sneha or Divya which says otherwise is plain bullshit.

So to carry on, this post of mine is not about anything in particular. My name means a day-dreamer, and a day-dreamer is what I am. I am constantly woolgathering, and this post is just a collection of some random thoughts in my mind.

1)      I read about this stupid ass research in the papers recently that kids who watch nine minutes of Spongebob have difficulty in concentrating. I found this study utter rubbish. I watched Spongebob a lot when I was a kid, and my concentration has turned out to be absolutely norm.....HEY A REFRIGERATOR!

2)     Why does every office have that one guy who never flushes?

3)     Black tea tastes bitter. Darkness, which is black, is scary. No one likes blackheads on their nose. I’m telling you, God had his own racist thing going on.

Talking about racism, even our forefathers were racist. How else do you explain the ‘Black’ cat crossing your path myth?

4)     One of the most stupid song lyrics ever written in Bollywood was ‘Tu mere saamne, Main tere saamne. Tujhko Dekhu ke pyaar karu?’ (You’re in front of me. I’m in front of you. Should I keep staring at you or start making love to you?)

Isn’t it obvious what the guy should do?

In my book such questions fall under the rhetoric category.

5)     Guys generally hate girls who have good looking female best friends. Because such girls always put up the pic in which they both are together as their FB profile pic. And that leaves us guys in a quandary on whether to stalk the girl or not. We have to keep our fingers crossed, hoping it’s the girl on the right, before we click on the ‘Add Friend’ button.

6)     If you think about it, the hero’s father was always the main villain in old Bolly movies. If he hadn’t taken the loan from Thakur, and if he hadn’t died as soon as he spent it, the Thakur wouldn’t have troubled the hero’s mother, and he wouldn’t have raped the hero’s sister, and the hero wouldn’t have had to spend his whole growing up life to accumulate the money so that he could smack it on the Thakur’s face someday.

Again, if you think about it, the hero’s mother always overreacted on the amount she owed Thakur. However at the end, the hero would throw exactly 2 bundles on his face. And going by the fact that 500 and 1000 Rupees notes didn’t exist then, the amount couldn’t be more than Rs. 20,000. And what a loser the hero was that he had to spent his whole teenage life and grow up directly from a boy to a man just to earn Rs. 20,000.

Yet again, if you think about it, the hero’s sister was always a slut. She either got raped by Thakur, or gang-raped by Thakur’s men, or got pregnant with her guy, which is when hero’s mother would use the classic line:

Kahan muh kaala karwa ke aayi hai?”

Hey! That line’s another proof of our forefathers being racist.

By the way, I simply love the throwing-money-on-face way of repaying loan. I’m planning to repay my education loan EMIs in the same manner every month.

7)     Wouldn’t serving chicken pizza in an event sponsored by PETA be a great irony?

8)    The La Tomatina festival in India is one of the most pathetic displays of wannabe-ism ever, not to mention it’s also a horrible idea. Going by the inflation rate, no mom would give her son enough tomatoes to go and play during the festival. She might give him expired Ketchup or day before yesterday’s tomato sabzi to use off in the fest.

Also, if you ask your mother, she’ll tell you that while buying tomatoes you should check their firmness. Normally they go for the firm ones, which if used during tomatina would turn the event into more of a dodge ball game.

9)     Sometimes I feel those Microsoft Office applications like scaring you. How else do you explain being asked ‘Do you want to save the changes?’ when all you did is just open the file and read it?

10) Don’t you get mad at Facebook when you come across a hot chick’s profile who has 42 mutual friends, and all this while the stupid website kept suggesting you pigs with 2 mutual friends in the ‘People you may know” column?

11)  The regular readers of this blog would know that I recently moved to Baroda from Bombay, and I’m kind of friendless in a new city. At such times, when my cell phone, being on random mode, starts playing ‘Main Jahan Rahoon’ from Namaste London followed by ‘Tanha Dil’ of Shaan, I feel its just being a sadist and mocking me.

12) At times when you want to sneak in on the ice cream at night, don’t you wish there was a light in the freezer too?

13) This is not a thought, but an actual occurrence:

Random Guy at Office: Hey, what’re you downloading via torrents?

Me: How I Met Your Mother.

Guy: *whispering* what porn is that?

14) For a long part of my life, I never understood what sternly saying ‘Period’ at the end of a sentence meant.

Me: Hey. What’s wrong? Why is your mood so bad today?

Some Girl: I can’t tell you. Period.

Me: Oh ok. *wink* Gotcha!

I mean why don’t they simply use ‘Fullstop’?

15)  Piracy rocks! Except in novels.

Fullstop.

Monday, September 12, 2011

DIVINE FACEBOOK


Years ago, in 1993, when Mark Zuckerberg was nine and in school, he rented a pirated VCR Cassette of the Bollywood movie Baazigar, because someone had told him that there’s a scene in the movie where Kajol and Shilpa Shetty are in swimming costumes, and he really wanted to watch it. He had never seen before how Kajol looked, which is why he took that bold step, which some say was sheer daredevilry.

That was a defining moment in the history of the World Wide Web and social networking, as Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea of Facebook when he heard the song:

kitabein bahut si padhi hongi tumne magar koi chehra bhi tumne padha hai?’

Pathetic joke. I agree. Please continue reading.

What many people don’t know is that I share a deep yet secret friendship with Naradmuni, the gossip monger God amongst the Hindu deities. And one fine day, he agreed to show me the Facebook profiles and walls of the Gods. Yes, the site has another version, strictly meant for the divinity. And I would like to share with you all a few excerpts from the same. (Narad might hate me for this, but I have already started downloading the first season of Gossip Girls for him, to calm him down.)


LORD SHIVA’S FACEBOOK WALL:

Shiva likes Just Dance on Star Plus and The Immortals of Meluha

Shiva: Nandi is going to be a father. Again. Congrats. Whatever.

Comments:

Nandi: No need to taunt okay.

Shiva: I have told you so many times to keep your libido down. You’re one horny bull I tell you.

Nandi: That’s it. No more free rides for you.

Shiva: Don’t anger me you fatass.

Nandi: What will you do eh?! Your “Anger Dance”? No God is scared of that anymore buddy. They hardly watch now.

Ganesh: Dad, please don’t start dancing. My friends in school tease me. It’s embarrassing.

Parvati: No one is dancing around in my house. Last time Ganesh tried, he broke a few tiles. I’ve had it.
Kartik likes this comment.

Ganesh: Mooooommmm!!!!


LORD RAM’S FACEBOOK WALL:

Lord Ram is attending India vs. Sri Lanka World Cup Final @ Wankhede
3 days ago.

Ram: Dhoni’s men kicked the Lankan asses. Team India rocks. Awesome match.
51 people like this

Comments:

Ravan: Match was fixed.
Surpanakha and 33 other people like this comment.

Laxman: Bullshit.
Bharat and 24 other people like this comment.

Hanuman: Hey Ravan. Gold prices at an all time high. Too bad I burnt it all for you eh! Lolzzz.


YAMRAJ’S FACEBOOK WALL:

Yamraj: I see dead people.

Comments:

Chitragupta: ROFLMAO… good one boss.


GANESHA’S FACEBOOK WALL:

Ganesh: Ganesh Chaturthi time people. It’s a fiesta!

Comments:

Krishna: Hey Happy B’day bro. Partyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Ganesh: It’s not my b’day u idiot. Today was when dad declared me superior to all gods. Yo!

Krishna: Oh ok. Hmmm. Partyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!
Kartik and 6 other people like this comment.


LORD BRAHMA’S FACEBOOK WALL:

Brahma: Hey guys. Lets start our own Justice League.
Shiva and 10 other people like this.

Comments:

Vishnu: Awesome idea Brammy.

Jesus: I’m in.

Allah: Me too.

Sai Baba: Yeah. Me too.

Shiva: Hey Sai. What superpowers you have man?! You’re not even actually one of us. You’re like Batman.
Vishnu and 15 other people like this comment.


HANUMAN’S FACEBOOK PAGE:

Hanuman: Lifted 100 lbs dumbbells today at the gym. Now I can do the Salman bicep step.
Bheem likes this

Comments:

Ram: Dude, why’re you working out? You don’t need the gym. You’re naturally very strong.

Hanuman: I am???!!

Laxman: Yup. And BTW, you can fly. It’s very irritating for us to keep reminding u of your powers u know. You’re less like salman and more like aamir in Ghajani man. Please get all your powers tattooed on your chest.
Ram and 5 other people like this comment.

Hanuman: Dammit! I can actually fly. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Hanuman: Thanks Laxman. And ya I’ll get the tattoo as soon as the stitches on my chest are removed. What was I thinking when I tore it open to show your brother’s image??!!

Ram: Hey! That hurt man.

Hanuman: Oh THAT hurt Ram??? I TORE OPEN MY CHEST!!!!!

Ram: Ok Ok. No need to get senti. Sheeesh. I’m so glad we evolved from you people.

Hanuman: Oye u don’t comment on my people ok. If it weren’t for us u wud have had to go to lanka for Seeta Maa in Air India. And our monkey chicks are better than their Air Hostesses.

Laxman: Dude, you’re a Balbrahmachari. Please get that tattooed also.

Hanuman: Oh ya. He he.


VISHWAMITRA’S FACEBOOK PAGE:

Vishwamitra: Eternal Celibacy?! What was I thinking??!!! Sex is awesome!!!

Comments:

Menaka: You left me in the middle of a love making session to update your status!!!! COME BACK IN YOU FREAK!.

Vishwamitra: Hey you’re checking FB too.

Abhishek Bachchan: Aha. My new Idea campaign works!


JESUS’S FACEBOOK PAGE:

Jesus: Being the only God in a religion is so much better man. No competition.
Moses and 12 other people like this.

Comments:

Brahma: Hey Jesus, how many holidays you get due to festivals???!!!!
Shiva and 30 million other people like this comment.

(DISCLAIMER FOR ALL RELIGIOUS PEOPLE: Kindly take this post with a pinch of salt. Don't kill me.)

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

THAT BOY ON BLACK ACTIVA


I have a new motto in life. Whenever I am walking down a street, I will only check out the not-so-good girls.

Let me explain.

Every guy checks out the good ones. All the good girls know that they are good, based on the average number of guys that check them out. But what about the not good ones? What about those fat, average to below average looking chicks who have lost all confidence on their appearance, just because every guy passing by behaves with them the way Anna Hazare was behaving with food. I would like to be a harbinger to this revolution, where guys start checking such girls out. Let them feel good about themselves. They deserve it.

Now this doesn’t mean that we stop checking out good girls. In fact, we guys never actually have to check out good girls. It is a default function. We do not have to use our brains to do it, it happens on its own, just like Salman Khan movies becoming super hit.

We guys have a natural sensor. Whenever there is a good girl nearby, a guy’s eyes will locate her, filter her from the crowd, scan her, and then continue with its work, and this whole process takes less than a second. This is precisely the reason why terrorist outfits don’t use hot chicks as suicide bombers, as all the security people are men.

But when we scan through the crowd, we also scan through all her fat and/or average looking friends. I say stop that. Have a conscious look at those girls. It’s a win-win situation. They start feeling ‘Oh I think I’m looking good today’, and we start feeling ‘Oh I think I’m looking desperate now.

I realized this when I went to watch ‘That Girl In Yellow Boots’ recently. This movie released beside Bodyguard, and hence it was like those not so good looking girls, who actually turn out to be smarter, more intelligent, mature and better value for money. Bodyguard, on the other hand, was like the hot chick in the college, who everyone wants to see, who looks really promising, but is utterly dumb and brainless (not to mention a complete waste of money). (I can’t understand how such movies work in India? Our audience isn’t that dumb. I have heard many people say that clichéd line ‘Oh that movie was fun. Just leave your brains at home and go, you will enjoy’. Don’t people feel even the slightest embarrassment when they say that? I’m sorry, but my brains aren’t that loose to be so easily removed.)

So with this philosophy, I went to watch that movie. I did two things in my life for the first time ever when I went to see That Girl In Yellow Boots. 1) I went for a movie alone. 2) I went to watch a movie whose I hadn’t seen even a single promo. Just the words ‘Written and Directed by Anurag Kashyap’ were enough.

When I was going, I was actually expecting to be completely alone in the screen. Well, honestly I was expecting to meet a girl who would have come alone too, and we would get to talking, and fall in love. But such things happen only in music videos. Sigh!

I was actually alone when I entered the screen. Even the usher wasn’t there for crying out loud. And when I sat on the top row in the middle seat, two thoughts passed my Gujju mind simultaneously:

THOUGHT 1 - Man. A whole screen and I am alone. It feels like a private screening in my private theatre. I feel like Ambani.

THOUGHT 2 - First five row tickets would have been cheaper.

The movie was really good. Anurag Kashyap had woven yet another masterpiece. Now I won’t be reviewing this movie the way I had reviewed Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara and Singham; because it’s pointless.

The funniest part of the movie was the interval. In the interval, they showed a trailer of a Chattisgarh movie ‘Tari Hari Na Na’. It seemed like a classic. The lead pair was evidently shortlisted from ‘Dharavi’s Next Superstar’. And trust me guys, that typical Bollywood dialogue, where the actor says ‘Your marriage will happen only with me’ sounded hilarious in that language.

Tohar biha sirf-o-sirf more saath hoyi.

 Even if you are a girl from Chattisgarh, if a guy proposes to you that way, ‘Fuck off’ is the best reply. Trust me.

I would like to add one more experience here. We all know that Set Max and Star Gold are names of industries that horribly dub south movies, along with their songs and titles. And these titles at times turn out to be quite funny. And I recently, while surfing, came across one such title that took the cake.

BILLU BACHCHAN – EK DILJALA

I’m sure the whole cast would have first thought the director to be kidding when he would have told them the name.

“Ok people, the movie’s name is ‘Billu Bachchan – Ek Diljala’”

“Ha ha ha ha ha. Ok seriously dude, what’s the name?”

Little did they know……

But watching a movie alone isn’t at all a bad experience. It is in fact a good experience. I am friendless in a new city, and the movie I wanted to go for was such that half of them hadn’t even heard about it. So I had no option but to watch it alone.

P.S.: I went on my cousin’s black Activa. So now the title of the post makes sense. You can call it gay if you want, but I love the Honda Activa, or any other non-gear two wheelers for that matter. I hate the hassles of a gear. These babies are easy, just twist their ear and they zoom.

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