Tuesday, August 30, 2011

YOUR DAILY DOSE OF USELESSNESS



Every once in a while, the newspaper tells us about some absurd news, whose knowledge is generally useless, but whose ignorance can make people doubt your general knowledge. I’m talking here about those “RESEARCHES” that some unheard of scientists or professors keep conducting in some unheard of university in the Middle Earth.

I recently came across this piece which said “according to a recent survey in Britain, women waste 50 billion liters of water a year to shave their legs.”

Now this piece of news sounds bullshit, because the survey was conducted in Britain. Had the same survey originated in India, I would have been more convinced; because an average woman in India is really hairy. And not just normal hairy, but engineering-student hairy. You will understand what I mean when you see (or rather spot) the females in engineering.

One more thing that bothers me about this research is that they have used the word ‘waste’ instead of ‘use’. A single woman can as well use 1 billion liter water in a day to shave her legs, and a whole African nation can die of drought conditions, and I would still advocate the word ‘used’. This is because whatever a woman does to get rid of hair from whichever part of her body can never be termed ‘waste’.

Another ‘RESEARCH’ I read in today’s newspaper claimed that watching funny films keeps one hale and hearty. Sure. And going out in the rain without an umbrella makes one wet.

I have learned a few things in life from personal experiences, which I can pass on to my grandchild later on, after bitching about his father while showing him Baghban. You can call these things as my own version of Bro Code, albeit I’m not 1/24th as cool as Barney to pull it off.

1)      If you’re having a BBM/ WhatsApp chat with a friend, and the friend suddenly tells you ‘Ok buddy…TTYL…working out at the gym’ never ever reply ‘LOL’. It hurts.

2)     If you’re having a group chat with your office colleagues on Facebook while sitting next to each other, and someone in the chat types ‘It seems kalpak is busy working’, no one should say ‘ha ha ha’. Again, it hurts.

3)     While surfing Facebook in office, the divine ‘Alt+Tab’ rule should never be forgotten. (The rule, for those who don’t know, is that your thumb and first finger should constantly be in touch with the Alt+Tab keys. Boys around the world generally self-learn this rule while watching porn in their room. Corollary: If in childhood you followed the ‘Alt+F4’ rule and not the ‘Alt+Tab’ rule, you’re a chicken, ‘cos whatever happens, NEVER SHUT THE PORN!)

4)     Some rules are made to be accepted at face value. When they say one can never poop and pee at the very same time, accept it. Do not verify.

5)     When guys go to a mall, enter a store and come out within fifteen minutes, they have gone there to shop. When guys go to a mall and spend time leaning on a railing, they have gone there to peek into whatever visible cleavages of chicks walking down.

6)     Never jokingly refer to a girl as a bitch during your first chat with her. If you’re calling her that, either mean it or don’t call her that.

7)     Rule No. 6 is not specific to first chats.

8)    If the man boobs of your neighbor on the treadmill are jolly-dancing, do not look. If it’s a girl, be subtle.

9)     When a Pina Colada is non-alcoholic, it is called a Virgin Pina Colada. When they make it bad, it is called a Fucked-up Pina Colada.

10) When you spot a guy in an Anna Hazare march, he’s just there for the chicks.

11)  Never date the chicks you meet in an Anna Hazare march.

12)  They should keep a separate time for women above 40 in a gym. I mean sleep is already enough of a demotivator.

13) Guys should never say ‘touchwood’ publicly. It’s gay. If they believe in it, they should subtly just touch the wood. If they don’t, they should subtly just touch their wood.

14) Being a guy, I do understand the divine comfort that those old, torn pairs of underwear give us. But no one should ever wear them when there’s even the slightest possibility of getting lucky. (This experience is borrowed)

15)  More than half the girls do not get sarcasm. Using witty sarcastic comments in front of girls generates an expression similar to dancing in front of dogs. Guys should save the smart humor for when they’re with other guys. Girls are happy with Akshay Kumar movie jokes.

16) A random mention of the most obscure song can result in that song being stuck in your head and on your lips for the whole day. A guy in my office bought Jalebis in tiffin once, and one guy just casually said ‘Jalebi Bai’. The looks I received that whole day made me want to kill myself.

17)  How much ever grammar and pronunciation obsessed you may be, do not do it for girls. They hate it. You can correct their spellings, but do not mock.

18) Googling for embarrassing knowledge should be strictly done in private; no matter how sure you are that everyone’s gone for lunch. Do not Google stuff like ‘Erectile Dysfunction,’ ‘Legal punishment for killing baby,’ or ‘Justin Bieber’.

19) Whenever you spot a street brawl taking place, it will conclude or would be on the verge of conclusion almost every time you reach. Rarely have I gotten the opportunity to see a fight from the beginning.

20)                        When your mom asks, ‘Beta teach me this Facebook thing too naa. All our relatives are on it’ you have to change the topic so masterfully that she almost never recollects it later. Hint: Start talking about your own marriage. Suicidal, but safer than mom on Facebook.

21) None of the rules/facts/codes above are crap. There is only one ‘Crap Rule’, Flush. (This rule was established with the help of Loony.)

Naam..?? Jalebi Bai. Aha! Jalebi Bai. Oho! Jalebi Baiiii……………

17 comments:

  1. I wasn't aware of some of the rules...Thanks for enlightenment:) BTW, Is your mom on FB?

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  2. I think the 21st law is the awesomest.
    :D

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  3. Even i didn't know these rules!! Loved the first two!! :-D

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  4. Thanks all.

    @saru: Nope. Not yet. *touches wood*

    : )

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  5. MY MOM AND HER RELATIVES ARE OF FB! HELP!!!
    yeh digital detox thing..ahem!! Phone isnt thr but net is!
    Awesoem read!

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  6. i used to use the alt f4 rule. very frustrating and demotivating it used to be b4 alt tab came into my knowledge.

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  7. @ Anand: Thanks man.

    @ Nick: Dude, u never saw porn. We made u watch it and u were like 'cheeeeeeeeeeeeeee'

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  8. @kalpak: reflects on the choice of your porn.:P

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  9. I don't agree with rule no. 15 Kalpak!!

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  10. @ shivani: arre ur one of the rare ones who do get sarcasm. where the hell have u been? ur one of d people i wanted to read my blog d most. i want comments on each post ok. ur number's still same na?

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  11. First time at your blog! Spent the last 20min reading all your posts.. oh man! i haven't laughed like this in days!!!
    Being a girl i probably should say i dont agree with #15... but i do agree. Some girls just.dont.get.it. But guys are no exception. I've (unfortunately) met such dim-witted guys too..

    Anyway.. great blog! :)

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  12. I kind of secretly agree with #15.. I have met such girls, and guys TOO :P .. And Akshay Kumar is soo gay with his "huh-huh-huh" laugh..Moron :D ...

    Ohh and my relatives are on FB and I've gone under hiding.. privacy settings aint helping me much :(.. Btw great post.. been reading all at once noe :)

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  13. HOW SEXIST!! Chicks DO get sarcasm ok? Hmph.

    Otherwise that's the Bro Code that 'brought it'.
    And let me know if you ever need a wing woman, I have a two person waiting list though:P

    P.S: Have you tried rule number 4 for real?:P

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  14. 16, 18 and 20 - ULTIMATE!!!!
    you got that typical english series wala humor! :P its mostly cold and dark! I am cursing myself for enjoying it and not being feminine enuf! :D

    and why dis obsession with your poop? I mean is it more fertile than the rest of ours??? :D

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  15. and dude....u wudnt be recieving so many comments from SMART WOMEN had ur rule no:15 was true!

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  16. Ha ha ha....Wonderful rules!!! BTW, you have got a problem with Justin Bieber and SRK right? LOL, rule 18 is damn funny!!

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