Thursday, August 25, 2011

PAPARAZZI (to kya karega kaazi?)

‘Never judge a book by its cover’ they say; ‘Never judge a chick by her profile pic’ I say; and ‘Never judge my posts by their title’ I plead.

There are moments when I’m calm, sane and in a mature state of mind, which is when I write my posts. And then there are moments when I’m mentally unstable and still recovering after watching the Anna Hazare coverage on India TV, when I frame the title to such posts. It’s not the news that nauseates me, it’s the presentation. What I want to watch is news of a fasting old man, fighting the government against corruption; what I don’t is the background score ‘Buddha Hoga Tera Baap!’

Media in our country used to be a neutral conveyor of current events, but it has now evolved into an aunty at a Punjabi wedding: loud, shiny, and craving for attention. The lowest depths that media has ever fallen to, according to me, is when all the fucking channels, for one whole day, were covering a small 5 year old boy who had fallen into a pit. The boy, who was from an unheard of village named Aldeharhi in Haryana, was named Prince (because apparently every kid in that village has an English name).

The most ironical coverage I ever remember watching was when some channel made a special one hour show on how Rakhi Sawant was a desperate attention seeker and was using the media to gain publicity.

The Indian media, ladies and gentlemen, is a Rakhi Sawant.

Now because I am utterly jobless at work, and I form an epitome of disguised unemployment, I was imagining how the Breaking News would be if today’s attention-whore media would have been there since ages.


BREAKING NEWS: Local Caveman hunts down Buffalo.

REPORTER: Our local Caveman, Mr. *grunting noise*, has done something absolutely unimaginable. He is the first man in history to have hunted down a live animal.

REPORTER: How do you feel sir?

CAVEMAN: Ooga Lala. Hoo Hoo. (Get lost asshole. We have been doing this for years. You’re the first one who came to know about it.)

REPORTER: Your wife must be really proud of you sir!

CAVEMAN: Ooo Maa Joshi Ye Ye Ye (Yeah. I’m gonna get some hot action tonight. Maybe I’ll use this blood stained sphere. Kinky!)

REPORTER: Oh good idea Sir. We will auction this blood stained sphere and give the money to PETA. That will mock them to death.

CAVEMAN: *scratches his balls* (Balls to PETA)

ANOTHER CAVEMAN WATCHING THE LIVE COVERAGE: Oom siki kaka didi hooga Chaminda Vaas. (I just discovered fire, but no one cares.)


BREAKING NEWS: King Asoka has been awarded the title of ‘The Great’.

REPORTER: Sir. Sir. Why has this title been bestowed upon you sir? Is it because you killed thousands and won the Kalinga war or because you gave up violence after that?

ASOKA: *thinks* No comments.

REPORTER: Why have you adopted Buddhism sir?

ASOKA: It’s the in thing man. You should do it too. Feels awesome. Much peaceful than weed.

REPORTER: Just for our curiosity sir, if they ever make a movie on you, which actor would you want to play your character? Shahrukh Khan?

ASOKA: Oh c’mon. Do I look so gay to you? They should take Gerard Butler.

REPORTER: *giggles* Poor ignorant creature. He doesn’t know movie promotions have already begun.

REPORTER: Anyway sir, congratulations. You are the ruler of Kalinga and Magadha. Magadha is going to become Bihar in the future sir, just FYI.

ASOKA: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!


BREAKING NEWS: Completion date of Taj Mahal pushed by ten years.

REPORTER: We are here at the site in Agra where Shah Jahan’s most ambitious project ever, the Taj Mahal, is being constructed.  Oh, and there is Shah Jahan with the queen

REPORTER: Shah Jahan, we read your status on Facebook that the completion date of the Taj has been pushed by ten years. It is a highly disheartening news sir.


ShahJahan: Taj completion to be delayed by ten years. Some manpower issue. Apologies to the tourists.
Labour Union Leader and 22,000 other people like this


Mumtaz Mahal: Apologize to me you motherfucker.

ShahJahan: Love you babes. Muuaaaaahh!!

Jahangir: ur making a man's greatest 'erection' for a woman ever, son. :D

ShahJahan: Dad, stop copying forwarded SMSes.

Concubine: So you’re online haan?! Why were you pretending to sleep when I came to your room?

Chattrapati Shivaji Maharaj: LOL Dude!)

SHAHJAHAN: Well apparently someone spread “false” rumors that I will be getting the hands of all workers chopped after the Taj is complete. Everyone ran away. We had to get a whole new workforce, and they have to start literally from a scratch.

REPORTER: We have heard your father, Jahangir, has started some dealings with the British East India Company.

SHAHJAHAN: Yeah. He thinks it’s gonna do the nation a lot of good. But I smell something fishy here. I mean the deal was signed on the back of a photograph of some Pippa Middleton’s ass.


BREAKING NEWS: Pandit Nehru and Lord Mountbatten’s wife Edwina go public with their affair.

REPORTER: It has just been reported that Pandit Nehru and Edwina Mountbatten have openly declared their love for each other. They were spotted entering hand-in-hand at the Kingfisher Independence Bash. Let us ask Mahatma Gandhi about his views on this.

REPORTER: Bapu, how do you feel?

BAPU: I feel great. Our country is finally ours. We’re free. We’re no more ruled by the Britishers. But I also feel bad that my motherland has been divided in two parts.

REPORTER: No Bapu, I meant how do you feel about Nehru ji’s affair with Edwina? They have finally come clean on the whole issue.

BAPU: Oh I knew about it long back. I had read it on his FB page.


Pandit Nehru: Edwina, without you the rose of my life is odorless, and the thorns prick me hard.

Edwina Mountbatten likes this.


Lord Mountbatten: You asshole. Your whole nation will pay for this. We will show you in a test match series in 2011 you brown bastard.
Muhammad Ali Jinnah likes this comment.

Pandit Nehru: Main karu to saala, character dheela hai!!

Sardar Patel: Naaaaice work dude!!! :P

Mahatma Gandhi: Hey Mountbatten, up yours! Happy for you Jawahar. Acha BTW I’m going to this event at the Birla House in Delhi on the 30th of Jan. You guys want passes?
Nathuram Godse likes this comment.)

 Jokes apart, I really look forward to those days coming back when the media was a feared and respected entity. These days, the news and stories can be bought and sold as easily as the advertisement slots in Aaj Tak.

Which reminds me, why do all Vests and Briefs and Cement manufacturers only advertise on news channels?


  1. coooooool, You still watch India TV !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. This post should have been divided into four parts, to spread the enjoyment. I liked all breaking news, but my award goes to the title - that by itself merits an oscar :)

  3. Awesome!! Your posts are always worth the wait!! I couldn't stop laughing!! hilarious!!

  4. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    I love the Taj Mahal the most!! Jahangir line was epic!

    and i found the Caveman tht weird?

    Keep writing this way man! Loved it!


  5. @ Shree, Sunil & Deepak: Thanks a million guys.


    That was the best comment i have ever received yet. Thanks a ton for that. Means a lot. My last best comment was from Vaishali in Tale of Two Movies post. But this beats it.

    Hmmmm...maybe i should start a contest fr whoever gives d best comment. we'll call it 'Blow-kalpak's-Ego contest' :D

    Thanks again. :)

  6. @ Red Handed: PS: As i have mentioned, the jahangir line is from a forwarded message. not original.


  7. @Kalpak N- Forward or still deserve the compliment coz you brought it up at the perfect time! So Kudos! You deserve every little word i said

  8. "Ooo Maa Joshi Ye Ye Ye"!! ROFLMAO!
    The way you place every single word in everything you right is just brilliant!!!!!! One of your best posts! Loved every line of it! :D

  9. thanks loony. thanks a lot :)

    (P. S.: even though bad grammar, bad spellings and bad pronunciations disturb me a lot, i will overlook your spelling of 'write' here.)

  10. Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant one

  11. ROFL ...this blog is going to the favorites toolbar now :)

  12. LOL and too too too good, BTW I love the title...Title attracts me:) No words to describe how much I enjoyed reading your post. Beginning was awesome:)

  13. @ Bhattu: Thanks buddy. You taking the pains to comment actually means a lot ;)

    @ Vaishali: Your comments just get better and better :) Thanks a ton.

    @ Saru: Thank you Saru.

  14. Chaminda vaas! he was dragged into this for no reason. ;) totally rakhi sawant of you. nice sarcastic post. :)
    Everytime i log in on FB i think its actually some hot woman who has left a message but alas its always you with you 'new post up'. sigh.

  15. You remind me of Chandler....intelligent with a bit...sorry lot of Sarcasm...yet underestimated.

  16. @ Aha! you commented. lazy ass that u r. :) thanks man.

    @ ANDY: Thank you buddy. Check out Point number 11 in my second post 'And the Oscar goes to...' Surprise!!

  17. kp..!!!!super super superrrrrrrrrrr

  18. Just "fun"tatstic!!! Particularly, the Nehru and Edwina part!!! I should have stumbled into this blog earlier!!! Gonna come here whenever I wanna have a laugh!!!

  19. hawww ! *hi5* you remember prince :P , it was so crazy after that for months kids fell into pits and got to meet their favorite bollywood stars and not to forget the media coverage too , no kidding bro no kidding !


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