Tuesday, August 16, 2011

NEWS AND OLDS



A lot has happened in the month gone by. For one thing I have lost creativity in introduction, leading to my blog post starting with ‘A lot has happened in the month gone by’.


Let me start again.


Following is a brief of the briefs that got stained, washed or inverted and reused in the last couple of weeks. *taking a bow*

1)      The Mumbai Juhu beach was unofficially declared a refreshment harbor for vessels, much like those “detours” that truck drivers take and end up acquiring STDs. All the Rakhi Sawants and the Sherlyn Chopras of the vessel world have started visiting the Juhu beach for free attention from the ‘medias’ and the paparazzi (a word that makes my mouth water ‘cos it sounds like a yummy Italian dish). Local political parties are threatening to ransack the ship if it is not renamed in Marathi.

2)     The Indian cricket team has become like a pornstar in a threesome movie, with the England Team doing it from the front, and the Indian media and public doing it from behind. It is once again proved that a country like India does not deserve a team so great. I believe it is high time we grow up and start treating cricket defeats the way our government treats terrorism, i.e., accept it, develop a ‘chalta hai’ attitude, but never fail to ‘condemn’ it.

3)     VVS Laxman was accused of applying Vaseline on his bat to manipulate the Hot-Spot technology in the Decision Review System. Unilever, the makers of the lotion, have issued a notice against Laxman for misusing Vaseline, a product that should only be used to smoothen the process of love-making. It was later revealed that Laxman’s bat had itself applied the Vaseline to look fairer, as it was being racially bullied by the Brit bats.

4)     Anders Behring Breivik, a man in Oslo, Norway woke up one morning, saw MTV Coke Studio India, and decided to kill everyone. He later said he was a right-wing extremist, making the leaders of the world sit up and take notice, and start googling : ‘What is Right Wing Extremism’. It was later understood that he was only giving the directions to his apartment in his building.

While in prison, Breivik got a letter from an anonymous person, which read:

Dude, see if you can be transferred to Arthur Road Jail in India. This country is shit safe man! I did the same thing you did, and they treat me like a king here.

5)     Amy Winehouse passed away, an incident held more important by the world media than the deaths of the 92 Norwegian teens in the aforementioned event.

6)     Deven Sharma, the president of international credit rating agency Standard & Poor’s, one morning decided to reduce America’s credit rating just for fun, leading to fears of yet another recession across the world. Records have shown that Deven Sharma, a man from Jharkhand, had joined Standard & Poor’s because he thought it was an NGO established to support the fact that Poor have Standard. (Better jokes ahead. Swear. Please continue.)

7)     In spite of inflation going through the roof tops, the government didn’t do anything concrete about it. Jockey has reportedly approached the Prime Minister’s Office and requested them the permission to take a picture of Dr. Manmohan Singh working hard in the PMO. They want to use that in their latest campaign ‘Just Jockeying’.

8)    Riots erupted in London, and the most common status update on Facebook became ‘Voldemort is back’. This proved that even though technology has moved leaps and bounds, the world is still filled with idiotic people who believe Harry Potter is real. And these people are so naïve that they actually dare to name ‘You-Know-Who’. Bloody Muggles.

The riots reportedly started due to an incident involving the police shooting a man named Mark Duggan. The police claim he was a drug peddler and he had a gun, which, going by the fact that his name sounds like a South movie villain, I want to believe. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a black mole on his left cheek and he’s bald.

9)     Rakhi Sawant offered to marry Ramdev Baba. Ramdev Baba was reported saying, “Oh now she wants to marry me. But when I was standing there for her along with the other Swayamwar Contestants, she found my Salwar Kameez too feminine. Huh!”

10) The Lokpal bill was passed, and it was strict enough to punish a building watchman taking ‘Boksheesh’. Millions of people came out in support of Anna Hazare by clicking the ‘Like’ button in Facebook. The Hindu has reported this to be the strongest and most active revolutionary act in the history of India.

11)  Charlie Sheen made absolutely no news in the past couple of weeks, which means he didn’t even fart.

12) Maria Susairaj case verdict was finally out, and none of the two accused were found guilty of murder (after which the court pointed at Ram Gopal Varma and mocked him)

The verdict was the dumbest ever that I had come across throughout my life. Apparently the judge was Homer Simpson.

JUDGE (Imagine Homer): Maria, the court has concluded that you did not murder Neeraj Grover. However, you did destroy the evidence, and that is a crime.

MARIA: Oh c’mon Homey. I just threw away his chopped off body. It’s like throwing away chicken bones after you’ve finished eating.

JUDGE: Aha! That means I can sentence you to a period equivalent to that for throwing chicken bones. Three years in prison

*Bangs the gavel. Breaks the pen nib.*

LAWYER: THAT WAS A FUCKING MONT BLANC!!

MARIA: But your honor, I have already served three years, which means I am free now.

JUDGE: D’OH!

(On a more serious note, Dear Judge N. W. Chandwani, fuck you. Sunny Deol could judge a dance show better.)

13) Aarakshan was released, and a few political parties banned it, as they were not shown a prior screening. They could have just gone to Fort and got a pirated DVD.

14) On the personal front, I went home (Bombay) after a month, and got reminded what the Shakespearean phrase ‘hot chick’ actually meant. I went to The Comedy Store for the first time, and became a huge fan of Alistair Barrie.

I would like to end this post with a line from Alistair Barrie’s stand up, which I found awesome.

“My girlfriend works at Oxford. She is a lecturer. Well… they all are.”

11 comments:

  1. that was a fucking mont blanc..............lols, awesome punch dude

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  2. dude man dude..!! really...hahaha good stuff \m/

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  3. Hahaha!!! Simply brilliant!! Loved it! And I exactly feel the same way about paparazzi! I imagine something with a lot of cheese and it all sounds so gooey and yum! :D

    All your punch lines were just hilarious! Except for “the world is still filled with idiotic people who believe Harry Potter is real” one. :D But the jokes made up for it.:) Do write more often!

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  4. absolutely hilarious.....smart humor

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  5. LOL, Rakhi sawant is so popular in the blogging world...Nice Read!!!

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  6. Mont Blanc & just jockeying.. lol !
    Gr88 post !

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  7. Ha ha ha....Nice one again!! 2, and 7 are the best!!!

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