Monday, August 8, 2011

LIFE IN A (ALMOST) METRO – PART 2


      When I moved to Baroda, I updated my Facebook status as ‘New City. New Job. New Beginning. New Life.’

      I got the maximum response I had ever received for any status. Friends whose existence in my friend’s list I had completely forgotten about liked that status and commented ‘all the best’ there. Receiving such a heavy response on a status update made me feel like I was an above average looking girl who had just copy-pasted a random quote about friendship or love.

      Facebook, as we all know, is a highly gender biased place. A girl will put up a self-clicked mirror image pic, with her phone covering half her face, and that pic will get 17 likes and 26 comments (half of which come from vernacular people going ‘hawwttttt!!!!’). A guy can put up a pic where he’s having sex with an orangutan, or sitting inside a kangaroo’s pouch and waving, and he will still get half the response.

      I can give you a personal experience of such a case. I once put up a status which I felt was really smart and witty:

‘A week is 12 and half days long. Monday to Friday = 12 days. Saturday + Sunday = half a day.’

      When I came up with this line, I felt it was actually good. It is like one of those anti-job quotes. However, it went as unnoticed as that puppy on the street. (‘Which puppy?’ you ask. ‘Exactly my point,’ I say.)

      And a few days later, a girl put up a status update for which she received some 7 likes and 9 comments. Her status was:

    : ) 

      I gave out all the abuses that life and Delhi Belly had taught me.

      Moving to another city affects your social life, because you have no friends there. And it takes time before you make some good friends at a new place. That is precisely my current situation in Baroda. My sex life here is 15 times more active than my social life. (15 x 0 = 0)

      To add on to this, my job is new. And we all know how boring the initial few days of a job are, when you hardly know much and have to just sit idle. I thankfully am over that phase now, and have also made a few acquaintances. But during that idle phase, I made a few interesting discoveries:

 1) If you can create a ‘hmmmmm’ sound properly, and with regular gaps, people will look around for a vibrating phone on the desk.

2) The Google logo doesn’t show when you take a print of the Google homepage. (Yes. I was that idle.)

 3) If you search your name in Google enough number of times, after a while it starts prompting your name in the list below, even before you have typed the last few letters. It makes you feel like a celebrity.

4)  When you are new at your workplace, clicking on the Send/Receive button in your Outlook Mailbox is as useless as that Fredricks guy in CID.

      I then decided to join a gym, to get back in shape (as if I ever was), and to see if I could make new friends there. In fact, gym was a dire need, because the last time when I was in Baroda for my 2 month internship, in January 2010, I had put on a lot of weight, which I haven’t lost till now. Baroda lifestyle is so comfortable and lazy, you tend to gain weight. In Bombay the trains and buses give you more workout than the gyms.

      Deciding to join a gym is a confidence booster, joining the gym isn’t. Before joining, you are slightly fat, and you just need a consistent three month workout to get proper. After joining, you’re a walrus, and you have no option but to look at your bouncing belly as you run for your life on the treadmill. (I discovered that ‘Bhaag DK Bose’ song is a great motivator while running on the treadmill)

      And then there comes that dreaded moment when the instructor tells you, “Let’s take your measurements.”

Aal izz well. Aal izz well. Aal izz well.

      Now a person, depending on his/her weight, can fall under any of the five categories, viz. normal, overweight, obese, very obese and filthy buffalo. And I used to always believe that I would fall under ‘overweight’; I always have, whenever I have joined the gym. But this time I was in for a shock when I realized I was obese. It is very weird when now my first goal in life is to be overweight.

      Now every gym has a certain type of characters that are common in gyms. There are those hot gorgeous babes whose presences motivate you enough to be regular at the gym. Then there are those hot but not gorgeous babes. (Don’t give me that look. When I comment on girls’ bodies I am judged, but where is that moral police in you when Bappi Lahiri publicly tells singing show contestants ‘Aamko tomhara gaan bohot achcha laga.’)

      Then there are those insane ‘look-how-much-weight-I-can-lift’ category people, who give out loud constipated grunts on every rep.

      So far, I am still lonely in Baroda, and I hope I make some good friends soon.

      If you’re a girl from Baroda reading this right now, wil u do fraandship wid me??

9 comments:

  1. Your posts never fail to make me laugh.Hilarious,this one too!! I hope you find someone to do "fraandship" with,soon!!!

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  2. kp..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    duuudddde..!!!!???!!! i had almost forgotten about your sense of humour..!!
    hahhahaha..thankyouuuuu sooooooooooo much for sending me the link..!!!
    its hilarious..!!!!!!!!!
    i totally totallyyy loveddd it..!!!!
    keep up the good work buddy..
    this is my best stress buster..!!
    hahahha..supppro che..!!! :P:P
    looking forward to lot more..!!!
    cheers..!!

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  3. well..i share your thoughts in totality. :P and i obviously didnt come across this page because of "fraandship" reasons. :P but the ^^ above mentioned girl recommended this. and on a serious note, this isnt just hilarious by chance. purely witty! way to go! looking forward to more posts here.

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  4. @Maverick : Believe me dude, when I read aditi’s blog for the first time I actually thought you were some imaginary person. But its good to finally hear from you. Thank you so much for your comments buddy. :)

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  5. see, i told you, never join a gym.Start running. self motivation is the best kind of aphrodisiac.i mean for like weight reduction. sorry. i just lost sight of what the fuck i was saying. have a nice day.

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  6. @kalpak: Woa! well, i dont know how to respond to that:) but i am real. :P and hey, on a serious note, from whatever i have come across on blogosphere, your style is quintessentially witty and unique.In short, Keep writing because i am hoping to read more creations of yours.
    keep rocking till then.

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  7. @kalpak..haha..jus to let you know..Mr
    Maverick has a name..'Abhishek'
    lol lol lol..so he is not imaginary..he is there for real..:-):-):-):-)

    @Maverick..hehe..yayyy..m really glad u enjoyed this blog :*:*
    :p

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  8. hee hee hee, well same condition mine except i didnt join a gym and i live in gurgaon. i can understand *empathy look*

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  9. LOl, great post once again!! I have tried your 3rd discovery-typing your name in Google too!!!

    ReplyDelete

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