Tuesday, August 2, 2011

CLASH OF THE TITANS

      After my consistent success in failing to maintain any blog for more than five posts, I have mustered enough audacity and shamelessness to form yet another one. This time I was getting a little inclined towards choosing Wordpress over Blogspot, as a few of my blogger friends have shifted base there. But then, I am a serious blogger, and above that a mature and sensible person. Hence I stuck to Blogspot, as that gave my blog name a ‘gspot’.
      I originally wanted to name this blog ‘obviouslyoblivious’, however that title was already taken. So were the other fifty one I tried. This is when I realized that my loyalty towards this Google owned blog publishing service was short-lived. At one point I got so frustrated, I actually tried creating a blog named ‘wordpressisbetter.blogspot.com’. But even that was taken. At this point I remembered a quote I had once stumbled upon the internet, probably written by a geek who could never score in his life, which said ‘Girls are like internet domain names; the ones I like are already taken.’
      I finally created a blog named ‘wordpressrocks.blogspot.com’.
      I couldn’t sleep that night. I felt like I had betrayed the only God I believe in and worship the most, Google. What if Google deletes my blog, and blocks me from all its sites? How will I chat with my friends on Gtalk? How will I make fun of my primitive friends who’re still active on their Orkut account? How will I check all the “important” scenes of Murder 2 on YouTube, without having to sit through the whole movie?
      I then started thinking about what different responses I could give when Jacqueline Fernandez asks me out, and slowly dozed off. And then I had a dream…

I am sleeping in my room, when a sudden bright white light wakes me up.

ME: Huh...What…Jacqueline? What the…! Who the hell are you?
A young man, wearing a shining white toga and having a blinding white aura stood in front of me.

GOD GOOGLE: I am God Google.

ME: Yeah. And I’m Larry Page. Now let papa sleep little one.

GOD GOOGLE: Wake up Kalpak, you back-stabbing pig.

I finally opened my eyes fully, as the corneas adjusted to the brightness. The man standing in front of me was dressed in sparkling white clothes. He was a handsome man, but he had huge man-breasts. He held a big blue colored ‘G’ in his right hand, and his right and left boobs were circled in red and yellow colors respectively. With his left hand he held a small red colored ‘e’, and his left hand holding the ‘e’ was in the ‘L’ shape. God Google was a Doodle.

GOD GOOGLE: How could you do this to me Kalpak? Haven’t I always been there for you? Haven’t I always provided you with 23,10,00,000 results of whatever you have asked, within 0.19 seconds? When you made your Orkut profile, you didn’t know squat about social networking. I taught you. I gave you an identity in the online world. I gave you so many ‘Fraands’. And what did you do? You left my beautiful world of themes and scrapbooks for some stupid place where your “wall” is publicly open to be peed upon? I forgave you for that, because that sin of yours wasn’t exclusive. Few other people left Orkut for Facebook too.

ME: Few??

GOD GOOGLE: Yes. Very few have moved. Not many.

That was the first time in my entire life, albeit in a dream, that I challenged the sanctity of something that Google had told me.

ME: You sure? I think many have moved.

GOD GOOGLE: Oh yeah? Prove it.

As soon as he said that, he gave a wide wicked grin. He knew that to prove that, or any other thing for that matter, I would need him.

GOD GOOGLE: I forgave you then, but I can’t forgive you now Kalpak.

ME: I’m sorry God. I was helpless. All the creative or funny names I could come up with for my blog address were unavailable. I was enraged.

GOD GOOGLE: Hmmm. What name do you want?

ME: ‘obviouslyoblivious.blogspot.com’

GOD GOOGLE: Naah. That’s taken.

ME: You think?

GOD GOOGLE: Why don’t you tweak it a bit?

ME: Hmmm. Like ‘obviously(hyphen)oblivious.blogspot.com’?

GOD GOOGLE: Taken. (pause) How about ‘theobviouslyoblivious.blogspot.com’? That’s available!

ME: Oh, that’s brilliant. I love it.

I didn’t. But God Google was angry with me. I had to kiss some ass.

ME: Thank you God. The first thing I will do tomorrow morning is delete wordpressrocks.blogspot.com and create theobviouslyoblivious.blogspot.com

GOD GOOGLE: Why the trouble? You can just change your existing blogspot address.

ME: You can? I thought we could do that only in Wordpr…I mean yeah. Sure. Will do. *whistles*

GOD GOOGLE: You better do it Kalpak. Or else I will put up your complete YouTube search history on your social networking page.

ME: What???!!!! Oh but if you do that you’ll put it on Orkut right? No one will read it there. Just don’t put it on Facebook please.

*Poof* He disappeared. He didn’t even give me a chance to say I was kidding. Although I was not. 

  The next morning I woke up, and changed the blog address to ‘theobviouslyoblivious.blogspot.com’. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story behind that name of this blog.
      I later even visited the ancient ruins of Orkut, just to clear the cobwebs and see what was new. It was still the same old boring thing.
      And then, just out of curiosity, I tried something. And to my extreme shock, it was true. God Google had a Facebook profile. The profile pic was of a man wearing a t-shirt with the Orkut logo doing a girl wearing a t-shirt with the Facebook logo from behind. And their position formed the ‘G’ of the Google Doodle.

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