Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Every once in a while, the newspaper tells us about some absurd news, whose knowledge is generally useless, but whose ignorance can make people doubt your general knowledge. I’m talking here about those “RESEARCHES” that some unheard of scientists or professors keep conducting in some unheard of university in the Middle Earth.

I recently came across this piece which said “according to a recent survey in Britain, women waste 50 billion liters of water a year to shave their legs.”

Now this piece of news sounds bullshit, because the survey was conducted in Britain. Had the same survey originated in India, I would have been more convinced; because an average woman in India is really hairy. And not just normal hairy, but engineering-student hairy. You will understand what I mean when you see (or rather spot) the females in engineering.

One more thing that bothers me about this research is that they have used the word ‘waste’ instead of ‘use’. A single woman can as well use 1 billion liter water in a day to shave her legs, and a whole African nation can die of drought conditions, and I would still advocate the word ‘used’. This is because whatever a woman does to get rid of hair from whichever part of her body can never be termed ‘waste’.

Another ‘RESEARCH’ I read in today’s newspaper claimed that watching funny films keeps one hale and hearty. Sure. And going out in the rain without an umbrella makes one wet.

I have learned a few things in life from personal experiences, which I can pass on to my grandchild later on, after bitching about his father while showing him Baghban. You can call these things as my own version of Bro Code, albeit I’m not 1/24th as cool as Barney to pull it off.

1)      If you’re having a BBM/ WhatsApp chat with a friend, and the friend suddenly tells you ‘Ok buddy…TTYL…working out at the gym’ never ever reply ‘LOL’. It hurts.

2)     If you’re having a group chat with your office colleagues on Facebook while sitting next to each other, and someone in the chat types ‘It seems kalpak is busy working’, no one should say ‘ha ha ha’. Again, it hurts.

3)     While surfing Facebook in office, the divine ‘Alt+Tab’ rule should never be forgotten. (The rule, for those who don’t know, is that your thumb and first finger should constantly be in touch with the Alt+Tab keys. Boys around the world generally self-learn this rule while watching porn in their room. Corollary: If in childhood you followed the ‘Alt+F4’ rule and not the ‘Alt+Tab’ rule, you’re a chicken, ‘cos whatever happens, NEVER SHUT THE PORN!)

4)     Some rules are made to be accepted at face value. When they say one can never poop and pee at the very same time, accept it. Do not verify.

5)     When guys go to a mall, enter a store and come out within fifteen minutes, they have gone there to shop. When guys go to a mall and spend time leaning on a railing, they have gone there to peek into whatever visible cleavages of chicks walking down.

6)     Never jokingly refer to a girl as a bitch during your first chat with her. If you’re calling her that, either mean it or don’t call her that.

7)     Rule No. 6 is not specific to first chats.

8)    If the man boobs of your neighbor on the treadmill are jolly-dancing, do not look. If it’s a girl, be subtle.

9)     When a Pina Colada is non-alcoholic, it is called a Virgin Pina Colada. When they make it bad, it is called a Fucked-up Pina Colada.

10) When you spot a guy in an Anna Hazare march, he’s just there for the chicks.

11)  Never date the chicks you meet in an Anna Hazare march.

12)  They should keep a separate time for women above 40 in a gym. I mean sleep is already enough of a demotivator.

13) Guys should never say ‘touchwood’ publicly. It’s gay. If they believe in it, they should subtly just touch the wood. If they don’t, they should subtly just touch their wood.

14) Being a guy, I do understand the divine comfort that those old, torn pairs of underwear give us. But no one should ever wear them when there’s even the slightest possibility of getting lucky. (This experience is borrowed)

15)  More than half the girls do not get sarcasm. Using witty sarcastic comments in front of girls generates an expression similar to dancing in front of dogs. Guys should save the smart humor for when they’re with other guys. Girls are happy with Akshay Kumar movie jokes.

16) A random mention of the most obscure song can result in that song being stuck in your head and on your lips for the whole day. A guy in my office bought Jalebis in tiffin once, and one guy just casually said ‘Jalebi Bai’. The looks I received that whole day made me want to kill myself.

17)  How much ever grammar and pronunciation obsessed you may be, do not do it for girls. They hate it. You can correct their spellings, but do not mock.

18) Googling for embarrassing knowledge should be strictly done in private; no matter how sure you are that everyone’s gone for lunch. Do not Google stuff like ‘Erectile Dysfunction,’ ‘Legal punishment for killing baby,’ or ‘Justin Bieber’.

19) Whenever you spot a street brawl taking place, it will conclude or would be on the verge of conclusion almost every time you reach. Rarely have I gotten the opportunity to see a fight from the beginning.

20)                        When your mom asks, ‘Beta teach me this Facebook thing too naa. All our relatives are on it’ you have to change the topic so masterfully that she almost never recollects it later. Hint: Start talking about your own marriage. Suicidal, but safer than mom on Facebook.

21) None of the rules/facts/codes above are crap. There is only one ‘Crap Rule’, Flush. (This rule was established with the help of Loony.)

Naam..?? Jalebi Bai. Aha! Jalebi Bai. Oho! Jalebi Baiiii……………

Thursday, August 25, 2011

PAPARAZZI (to kya karega kaazi?)

‘Never judge a book by its cover’ they say; ‘Never judge a chick by her profile pic’ I say; and ‘Never judge my posts by their title’ I plead.

There are moments when I’m calm, sane and in a mature state of mind, which is when I write my posts. And then there are moments when I’m mentally unstable and still recovering after watching the Anna Hazare coverage on India TV, when I frame the title to such posts. It’s not the news that nauseates me, it’s the presentation. What I want to watch is news of a fasting old man, fighting the government against corruption; what I don’t is the background score ‘Buddha Hoga Tera Baap!’

Media in our country used to be a neutral conveyor of current events, but it has now evolved into an aunty at a Punjabi wedding: loud, shiny, and craving for attention. The lowest depths that media has ever fallen to, according to me, is when all the fucking channels, for one whole day, were covering a small 5 year old boy who had fallen into a pit. The boy, who was from an unheard of village named Aldeharhi in Haryana, was named Prince (because apparently every kid in that village has an English name).

The most ironical coverage I ever remember watching was when some channel made a special one hour show on how Rakhi Sawant was a desperate attention seeker and was using the media to gain publicity.

The Indian media, ladies and gentlemen, is a Rakhi Sawant.

Now because I am utterly jobless at work, and I form an epitome of disguised unemployment, I was imagining how the Breaking News would be if today’s attention-whore media would have been there since ages.


BREAKING NEWS: Local Caveman hunts down Buffalo.

REPORTER: Our local Caveman, Mr. *grunting noise*, has done something absolutely unimaginable. He is the first man in history to have hunted down a live animal.

REPORTER: How do you feel sir?

CAVEMAN: Ooga Lala. Hoo Hoo. (Get lost asshole. We have been doing this for years. You’re the first one who came to know about it.)

REPORTER: Your wife must be really proud of you sir!

CAVEMAN: Ooo Maa Joshi Ye Ye Ye (Yeah. I’m gonna get some hot action tonight. Maybe I’ll use this blood stained sphere. Kinky!)

REPORTER: Oh good idea Sir. We will auction this blood stained sphere and give the money to PETA. That will mock them to death.

CAVEMAN: *scratches his balls* (Balls to PETA)

ANOTHER CAVEMAN WATCHING THE LIVE COVERAGE: Oom siki kaka didi hooga Chaminda Vaas. (I just discovered fire, but no one cares.)


BREAKING NEWS: King Asoka has been awarded the title of ‘The Great’.

REPORTER: Sir. Sir. Why has this title been bestowed upon you sir? Is it because you killed thousands and won the Kalinga war or because you gave up violence after that?

ASOKA: *thinks* No comments.

REPORTER: Why have you adopted Buddhism sir?

ASOKA: It’s the in thing man. You should do it too. Feels awesome. Much peaceful than weed.

REPORTER: Just for our curiosity sir, if they ever make a movie on you, which actor would you want to play your character? Shahrukh Khan?

ASOKA: Oh c’mon. Do I look so gay to you? They should take Gerard Butler.

REPORTER: *giggles* Poor ignorant creature. He doesn’t know movie promotions have already begun.

REPORTER: Anyway sir, congratulations. You are the ruler of Kalinga and Magadha. Magadha is going to become Bihar in the future sir, just FYI.

ASOKA: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!


BREAKING NEWS: Completion date of Taj Mahal pushed by ten years.

REPORTER: We are here at the site in Agra where Shah Jahan’s most ambitious project ever, the Taj Mahal, is being constructed.  Oh, and there is Shah Jahan with the queen

REPORTER: Shah Jahan, we read your status on Facebook that the completion date of the Taj has been pushed by ten years. It is a highly disheartening news sir.


ShahJahan: Taj completion to be delayed by ten years. Some manpower issue. Apologies to the tourists.
Labour Union Leader and 22,000 other people like this


Mumtaz Mahal: Apologize to me you motherfucker.

ShahJahan: Love you babes. Muuaaaaahh!!

Jahangir: ur making a man's greatest 'erection' for a woman ever, son. :D

ShahJahan: Dad, stop copying forwarded SMSes.

Concubine: So you’re online haan?! Why were you pretending to sleep when I came to your room?

Chattrapati Shivaji Maharaj: LOL Dude!)

SHAHJAHAN: Well apparently someone spread “false” rumors that I will be getting the hands of all workers chopped after the Taj is complete. Everyone ran away. We had to get a whole new workforce, and they have to start literally from a scratch.

REPORTER: We have heard your father, Jahangir, has started some dealings with the British East India Company.

SHAHJAHAN: Yeah. He thinks it’s gonna do the nation a lot of good. But I smell something fishy here. I mean the deal was signed on the back of a photograph of some Pippa Middleton’s ass.


BREAKING NEWS: Pandit Nehru and Lord Mountbatten’s wife Edwina go public with their affair.

REPORTER: It has just been reported that Pandit Nehru and Edwina Mountbatten have openly declared their love for each other. They were spotted entering hand-in-hand at the Kingfisher Independence Bash. Let us ask Mahatma Gandhi about his views on this.

REPORTER: Bapu, how do you feel?

BAPU: I feel great. Our country is finally ours. We’re free. We’re no more ruled by the Britishers. But I also feel bad that my motherland has been divided in two parts.

REPORTER: No Bapu, I meant how do you feel about Nehru ji’s affair with Edwina? They have finally come clean on the whole issue.

BAPU: Oh I knew about it long back. I had read it on his FB page.


Pandit Nehru: Edwina, without you the rose of my life is odorless, and the thorns prick me hard.

Edwina Mountbatten likes this.


Lord Mountbatten: You asshole. Your whole nation will pay for this. We will show you in a test match series in 2011 you brown bastard.
Muhammad Ali Jinnah likes this comment.

Pandit Nehru: Main karu to saala, character dheela hai!!

Sardar Patel: Naaaaice work dude!!! :P

Mahatma Gandhi: Hey Mountbatten, up yours! Happy for you Jawahar. Acha BTW I’m going to this event at the Birla House in Delhi on the 30th of Jan. You guys want passes?
Nathuram Godse likes this comment.)

 Jokes apart, I really look forward to those days coming back when the media was a feared and respected entity. These days, the news and stories can be bought and sold as easily as the advertisement slots in Aaj Tak.

Which reminds me, why do all Vests and Briefs and Cement manufacturers only advertise on news channels?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


(DISCLAIMER: I have written only about myself in this post. It is a personal post, and hence I feel it’s my duty to inform you beforehand, so that later I don’t get to see comments like ‘Dude, I care a tiny rat’s ass’. In case you’re new here, please start reading from my next post.

I am not going to popularize this post either, the way I normally promote my other posts. So all those friends of mine who these days log on to Facebook praying to God that there shouldn't be an offline message from Kalpak saying ‘New Post Up!’ can relax.)         

So I have been tagged under the ‘iDig Your Blog Award’ by Loony, a fellow blogger, in a post of hers. This is my first tag ever (Although I was tagged by some 600 girls once under ‘Sexiest Blogger Alive’, but that’s a story for another day.)

Let me explain how the tagging system in the blogosphere works:

1)      Blogger A tags Blogger B in a post, which Blogger B then has to write about on his/her blog.

2)     Such posts normally are like ‘Write 5 things about yourself’, ‘Write 10 things that annoy you’, ‘Think of one good reason why you’re writing this post (bet you can’t)’, etc.

3)     So Blogger B then writes whatever has been asked, and then tags 5 other bloggers, and thus the chain moves on.

The ‘iDig Your Blog Award’ comes with the following rules:

Ø  Gratefully accept the award.

Ø  Link the person you received it from.

Ø  Post 3 interesting facts about yourself.

Ø  Pass this award to 5 blogs you dig.

Ø  Notify them.


I accept the award. I am grateful.


 (Giving such direct, to-the-point answers is very difficult for an SSC background student like me.)


Now this is where I use my SSC style of answering. I, like everyone on this planet, love talking about myself, which is why I have written 13 facts, when asked for 3. If you have a problem with that, fuck you. This is my blog, bitch. And I had already warned you in the disclaimer.

1)      I need my bed-tea to get me out of bed. This is one habit that I hate, but have never tried to quit. The bed-tea serves dual purpose actually; it helps me open my eyes halfway, and it helps me get poop-pressure.

2)     I need some sort of entertainment in the loo. I usually go in with the newspaper (Mumbai Mirror when I was in Bombay) and do not come out till I finish reading the whole thing. If paper’s not available, I’ll take my mobile and headphones, or a novel that I’m currently reading (I’d once told a friend of mine that at times I read novels in the toilet. He has stopped lending me his books since.) I can never just poop.

3)     If you ask all the people who have ever known me ‘When was the last time you saw Kalpak angry?’ 98% of them will not have an answer; me getting angry is a rarer phenomenon than Vivek Oberoi delivering a hit film. And this is quite contradictory to the description of an Arian. People born under Aries, as per the internet zodiac websites, are quite short-tempered.

4)     I procrastinate. A lot. They can as well give me the award for the Best Procrastinator, which I would go to collect tomorrow.

5)     I am very romantic. I also believe that I am a really good boyfriend. I am currently single. *wink. wink* (Dear ex-girlfriends, kindly do not comment otherwise.)  

6)     I have dreamed of being an author since I can remember. I had even started writing a novel, but I left it after writing some 150 pages over 4 years (procrastinator, remember?) because I found the outcome too immature. I lack the focus and discipline required to write a full length book. But some day…. SOME DAY….

7)     I love cooking. This statement should not be mistaken with ‘I can cook’. I mean I can cook, but not as many items as I would love to. Also, I find cooking together the most romantic thing ever. Right from getting the ingredients ready, to making it step by step, and making out little bit while the stuff gets cooked, and then serving it and having a nice meal together.

8)    There won’t be any meaning to my life anymore the day I say no to an ice-cream.

9)     I love being called funny. It gives me a high of some sort. No other adjective attributed to me matters more than ‘funny’.

10) I am 23, and still a virgin. Now how you look at this fact depends on whether you are a virgin or not. If you are, you’d say ‘big deal’. If you aren’t, you’d say ‘duuuuuuuude!!’ If you ask me about my stand on this, I’d say I’m constantly wavering. At times I feel good thinking that I would have something to look forward to on my wedding night, and that whoever my wife would be would get a first hand maal. And at times there’s a voice in my head going, ‘You need to get laid man!’ Just for the record, I’m only technically a virgin. I have done stuff otherwise.

11)  The sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S is my biggest stress buster ever. It can be the worst day of my life, and still just one episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S at the end of the day would cheer me up. I still haven’t figured out the reason behind this.
      Also, I relate to the character of Chandler a lot. I mean I have never so strongly related to so many aspects of one single fictional character apart from Chandler Bing. And according to me, Chandler and Monica are the epitome of an ideal couple. Lily and Marshall are good too, but they get unrealistic at times.

12) I am an agnostic by belief. And I’m absolutely irreligious. I believe creating religions is the most heinous crime ever committed in the history of mankind, and there is no person dumber than the one who talks like ‘my-god-your-god’.

      I believe in only one god, and that I don’t need idols to talk to him. I believe Ramayana, Mahabharata, Quran, Bible are all either figments of imagination, or some highly exaggerated versions of actual events.

13) I talk to myself. A lot. I also talk a lot to the inanimate objects around. I’m not crazy.


Upasana @ my world, my thoughts, my musings, because she’s a fantabulous writer. Her blog makes you think.

Aditi @ Abhilasha, because she writes from the heart. There’s not a single word on her blog that she’s written for anyone but her own self, which makes it a wonderful read.

Saru Singhal @ Words, because the title of her blog is what she is a master of.

Abhishek Singh @ PRISM, because his writing is what you need to relax after a long tiring day.

Loony @ Lunatic on Loose, because she’s one of the best writers out there. And she’s one of those extremely rare female writers who’re actually funny.

(I was tagged by Loony, and I’m tagging her back. This is not what you should normally do, but the poor girl wasn’t smart enough to use the opportunity to rant about herself. She has, like a good girl, only written 3 things about herself. I want to give her an opportunity to bore people more. And loony, this time you don’t need to follow all the steps. Just write those 3 things, 30 if you may.)

Happy Blogging people!

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Stop making faces. That is how the people of my land pronounce the word.

And I am proud of it.

*background score – hey ji reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Ah who am I kidding? My people fuck English pronunciations worse than they fuck the business of an expensive store opening in their locality.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a Gujarati, or as the Pope calls it, “Gujju”.

I think my people tend to believe that every ‘H’ that follows an ‘S’ is silent, which is why English becomes ‘Englees’, and Shahrukh becomes ‘Saa-ruck’, and which is why the name of every person from the ‘Shah’ community ends up sounding like a Balika Vadhu character. (Rack your brain a little, you’ll get the joke).

However, this post is not about gujju pronunciations. I will write about that in the next post perhaps. (I’m sure that line just cost me 3 readers, which is like 75% of my readership) This post is about nostalgia.

Nostalgia, I believe, is highly overrated, and will continue to be so till time travel becomes as common as cell phones. I mean yeah it makes you recollect the good old days, but nostalgia is like Scarlett Johannson naked and horny for you – you can just sit and think about it, but there’s not much you can actually do.

I came across this list titled ‘You know you grew up in India in the 90s when…’ which I’m sure almost all of you would have come across by now. That list was the inspiration behind me coming up with this post.

DISCLAIMER: The list below is of the things I get nostalgic about. I have only written my experiences. You may or may not relate to it. (There goes my last reader)

1)      I got my first cell phone in FYJC, which in those days was the average age for students to have a mobile. Today parents hang iPhones in the cradles of their one year olds, and those one year olds know how to e-mail their mothers about diaper change situations, with a CC to their fathers.

2)     If two guys were best friends, and would always be seen together, no one would call them gay. No one knew the other meaning of ‘gay’.  Male bonding was a good thing, till Kal Ho Naa Ho came and ruined everything.

3)     A popular joke was going up to a someone and asking ‘Hey you know Dum mar gaya’, to which the person would say ‘Kaun Dum?’ and people would point at him and laugh their ass off, because he uttered a word that was phonetically similar to condom. Back then this was funny, but if someone does it to me today, I’m hiring an assassin.

Also, back then, uttering words like sex and condom would attract such gasps and reactions that would make you feel like you’re standing in the Gryffindor common room and you just said ‘Voldemort’.  And in those days, mentioning pussy would make us think of a cat, and mentioning cock would make us go ‘cock-a-doodle-doooo!’ (Ok no, no one went ‘cock-a-doodle-dooo’. We weren’t so lame.)

4)     The definition of a cool guy was one who you spot drinking Pepsi from a can.

5)     One question used to constantly bother me. It still does. It’s like one of life’s greatest unanswered questions for me. ‘Why are there nipples on mannequins?’

6)     Every year we had at least one teacher for whom length of answer was directly proportionate to marks. It is because of such teachers that our answers turned out like this:

Question: Why did the mutiny of 1857 take place?
Answer: The mutiny of 1857 took place because:
a)     The first Indian revolt against the British took place in 1857.

b)     The Uprising of 1857 took place against the East India Company.

c)      The British had introduced Royal Enfield cartridges amongst the army.

d)     These cartridges had to be bitten off with teeth.

e)     These cartridges had grease.

f)       The grease was made of cow or pig fat.

g)     Cows are holy to Hindus and pigs are taboo for Muslims.

h)    But the grease was made of cow or pig fat.

i)       When the sepoys found out about this, they got angry.

j)       Mangal Pandey, a short heighted soldier with long hair and big moustache, shot his commander in revolt.

k)     This was the beginning of the 1857 revolt.

l)       The revolt then spread across the nation.

m)  Hence, the 1857 mutiny took place.

7)     If I ever get a time machine and travel back to the early nineties I would find myself singing ‘Tu cheese badi hai mast mast’ with the attitude of Akshay Kumar in the song. At that point I would take a revolver, shoot myself, and then shoot myself.

Except for songs of the movie Aashiqui and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, all other early nineties albums were bigger national embarrassments than that Zor Ka Jhatka show of Shahrukh Khan. The second half of the nineties had Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge, which covered up for all the other bad music then.

8)    Call me sissy if you will, but I really wanted that small teddy bear that would cling on to your shoulder after I saw the ‘Chui Mui Si Tum Lagti Ho’ music video. I even got one later.

9)     Music videos like Chadti jawaani and Kaanta Laga were equivalent of a pornographic movie till I actually got introduced to the world of pornography, and my life was never the same again. It happened when I was in 8th standard.

10) ONLY FOR GUYS: Remember Zee MGM every Saturday night at 11 PM and Sun TV Surya at 12 AM? *wink. wink*

11)  Even back then that irritating old man used to feature in the MDH Masala ads. And he has looked the same all these years. He’s perhaps just a few years younger than God.

12) My three all time favorite ad jingles: Esselworld mein rahoonga main; Kya aap close-up karte hainnnnnn; Hamara Bajaj!

13) In those days, all who had read the first three books of Potter (others weren’t released yet) and no other book ever, used to call themselves ‘Avid Readers’, much like the people today who have just read the four Chetan Bhagat novels in their lives.

14) I know this happened in the year 2000, but I surely will be telling my children about the phenomenon that Hrithik Roshan was after Kaho Na Pyaar Hai.

15)  When Cartoon Network started showing in Hindi, I realized that my childhood was being snatched away from me forever. I thought that was the worst that could happen, until Pokemon happened.

16) I was a big fan of Chacha Chowdhary. Then once a cousin of mine, who was a Champak fan, and me decided that we’ll check out each other’s interests. She read a Chacha Chowdhary and I read a Champak for the first time. I never missed any Champak issue after that, and she never even looked at any Chacha Chowdhary after that.

17)  When we made our first girlfriends, we had only fantasized as far as holding hands. And today…well…

18) I swear on my mother when I say this, I have not seen Titanic even once. Yup. You can bring down those eyebrows.

19) One embarrassing confession. I used to lock my room and play in my world of imagination, much like Calvin. No that’s not embarrassing; what’s embarrassing is I used to play ‘He-Man – He-Man’, and my mom’s roti ka belan was my sword. Now when Prince Adam used to convert to He-Man (nothing religious in this), he used to point his sword to the sky and yell ‘By the power of Grayskull’. I instead pointed my mom’s belan to the ceiling fan and yelled ‘By the power of race-course’, ’cos that’s what I thought he was saying. And we didn’t have Google back then to verify. And then I used to point that belan to the round shaped pillow and imagine it transforming into BattleCat.

The most embarrassing part hasn’t come yet people. The most embarrassing part is: I used to tie a thin blanket around my neck…as a cape…while I played He-Man.

      I loathe myself.

20)   I loved Dexter, Powerpuff Girls, The Mask, Captain Planet and Johnny Bravo. I used to find Scooby Doo too overrated, but I loved watching Scooby’s All-Star Laff-a-lympics.

I guess this post has become long and boring enough for me to end it. But my list of nostalgia isn’t over. I believe that there is a sequel to this post in the offing pretty soon.

I will end this post with one more of life’s unanswered questions: Did Johnny Quest ever get any physical activity? Think about it.

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